clothesaholic

63rd Emmy Awards -- the Glee Gang.

2011-09-19T20:51:00.000-07:00

Adolescent angst does not end with high school, I just have to hope that the nerds will end as up as software billionaires, and the cool kids will sink into well deserved obscurity. Soon.

Now let's pause to reconsider how fabulous Naya Rivera looked at the Emmy awards.

And now I'm left to wonder why, given the heat generated by the dancers on Glee, does the singing midget get all the attention from fashion magazines? I'm refering to Lea Michele, who, among other things, was on the cover of the September issue of Harper's Bazaar. In close-up, heaven help us. Interesting issue of Bazaar, btw: it included articles about Michele Bachman and the Duchess of Windsor, and a feature devoted to the fashion of Margaret Thatcher. Maybe the editors thought they'd balance things out by putting a Jewish girl on the cover? Anyhoo . . .

Lea Michele in Marchesa -- What. Ever. During the preshow, Kelly Osborne said that she asked Marchesa to loan her a dress, but they refused, saying that they were only going to dress one actress for the Emmys. Well, there were two, Lea and Elizabeth Moss. Whose nose should be out of joint? If it's Lea, how could we tell?

Dianna Agron in Roksanda Ilincic -- A Spelling Challenge. Dianna always looks like she borrowed her clothes from a 50-year-old WASP society matron. Apparently, Dianna goes to the matron's hairdresser as well. Her outfit is too old, too blue, too wrinkled, in short, a material crime against a beautiful young woman.

Heather Morris in Masai Payan -- Sorry, Heather, You're Out. I love Heather Morris, I love the character she plays on Glee. BUT! This dress -- it looks like something a Project Runway contestant would make for an "avant garde" couture challenge where the only material allowed is toilet paper. And on top of it all she's got a hair Tsunami. Oh, no, honey, just . . . no.

Jayma Mays in Zuhair Murad -- So Sweet My Teeth Hurt. On Glee, Jayma's character is afflicted by Innocence Virgin on Stupidity. Someone needs to tell her she doesn't need to dress that way in real life.

Jenna Ushkowitz in Gadah Paris -- Props for Originality. Jenna took a chance, and it's -- okay. It is nice to see something that's not the same old strapless mermaid/one shouldered red yadda yadda, but once again, this look rather old for her. Still, nice try.

Amber Riley in Unknown -- Talk About Old! When I first saw Amber in this dress, I thought "she must have gone shopping in her grandmother's closet." Then I realized that her grandmother would probably be about my age, and I wouldn't have something like this in my closet. It reminds me of the dresses my heavier aunts used to wear to Italian weddings in the 1980s. Who did this too poor Amber?

63rd Emmy Awards -- once you go black . . .

2011-09-19T17:11:00.000-07:00

No surprises here – there were lots of strapless mermaid dresses, again, lots of one-shoulder dresses, again, and lots of pale pale actresses wearing pale pales dresses, again. Oh will they never learn? As usual, the A-list actresses got the A-list dresses and, for the most part, looked the best. There were, however, a lot of lesser-known designers represented on the runway, including Tony Ward Couture, Johanna Johnson, Romona Keveza, and Kaufmanfranco, with greater or lesser success.

The trendiest color on the red carpet was red, which is a continuation of the trend set at the 2011 Academy Awards. Even red-haired Kathy Griffin wore a red Oscar de la Renta. (Speaking of hair, there should be a special prize for Good Looks Ruined by Bad Hair.) But when I picked out my favorite looks, almost all of them were black, and here they are:

Naya Rivera in Lloyd Klein -- Take THAT Lea Michele. My favorite look of the event. It's simple, retro, and sizzling hot. I would have liked it worn slightly fuller hair and darker lips, but that's quibbling, and even I shouldn't quibble with fabulous.

Maria Menounos -- It's a Mystery. Pictures of Maria wearing her sparkling dress are posted all over the internet, but I haven't found one with a caption that identifies the designer, poor dear. Unfair, considering that this dress, like Naya's, is simple, retro, and hot, and more fashionable than the very similar dress Elie Saab dress worn by Evan Rachel Wood. Whoever you are, dear designer, stand up and take a bow.

Christine Baranski in Zac Posen -- Hotness for Grown-ups. I had already sorted this picture into my black beauties files when I read that it's actually midnight blue. Whatever. What excites me about this little number is that it's got sleeves, and it's still hot! Of course, it helps that it's worn by a tall woman with a dancer's body, but even tall and gorgeous can go wrong. (Are you listening, Nicole?) Good job, Christine.

Evan Rachel Wood in Elie Saab -- I Didn't Know She Could Sing. Slick and pretentious. Yeah, I could see Veda Pierce in this dress.

Gretchen Mol in L'Wren Scot -- the KISS Principal at Work. Her management and Vanity Fair Magazine have been trying to sell the baby-faced Gretchen Mol as a sex bomb for at least 15 years. Bomb? No. Very nice looking? Yes. Needs a necklace? Definitely.

Kaley Cuoco in Romona Keveza -- Give it up for Tea Length! Young and cute, but she should have gone all the way and added a crinoline. Dare to be, uh, daring!

Kelly MacDonald in Unknown -- Good Dress, Bad, Bad Hair. On days when she was going to do heavy duty cleaning, my mother would put her hair up in pin curls, tie a scarf around it, and get to work. When she was done, she'd take off the scarf, comb-out her hair, change her dress and put on some make-up. Looking at this picture I can only assume that Kelly didn't have time for the comb-out before she left her house, but her toilets are really clean.

Gwyneth Paltrow in Pucci -- It Looked Better on TV. I was really impressed when I saw Gwyneth approaching the tiny Seacrest wearing this; it seemed unique and daring. In the still photos, it makes her look like she has a slight muffin top. So we can conclude this dress would have looked better as a one piece. Consider it, Pucci.

I'm baaaaaaaaaaack.

2011-09-18T16:26:00.000-07:00

Before my blogging was so rudely interrupted by work, the serial release of new volumes in four Fantasy/SciFi series I follow (reading each new volume requires a reread of the previous volumes, which in the case of A Song of Ice & Fire means a 4,000 page review) and, most importantly, my quadrennial nervous breakdown and medication adjustment, I was writing about New York Fashion Week and the Fall 2011 collections. I even had carefully organized files of photos illustrating trends for discussion. Well, screw that, because my head has cleared enough for me to start writing again . . .

at the end of New York Fashion Week for Spring 2012. I've said it before, and I'll say it again – It's always Fashion Week Month somewhere.

But before I write about any of that nonsense, if I do, here's some Clothes on TV commentary:

Project Runway Season Who Gives a Damn

There has always been an undercurrent of misogyny and ageism circulating among the mostly young gay male contestants on PR, but this year those particular evils are front and center thanks to a contestant named Josh Overpluckshiseyebrows. And I already know that Mr. Overplucked is going to be among the finalists, or perhaps even win, but it really makes no damn difference, because, given the season timing, all nine of the remaining contestants got to show at fashion week. In seasons past I've looked at the fashion week photos, this year, I dislike most of the contestants and find their clothes boring and frankly, m'dear, I don't give a damn.

The Rachel Zoe Project

Rachel's back, with her husband, but without Brad Gorecki, who, it must be said, was the real star of that show. So we're left with what must be the whiniest couple in fashion/showbiz, and with Rachel pregnant, there is just soooo much more to whine about. The next episode is the pregnant Rachel styling women for the Oscars. I may watch that episode on mute.

Amsale Girls

Amsale Girls is WE TV's wedding gown series. It supposed to be about the women working at the Amsale boutique on Madison Avenue in New York. The boutique is elegant, the gowns even more so: no see-through corset gowns here. Amsale gowns average about $5,000, and according to a blurb on wetv.com, can cost as much as $75,000. Unfortunately, all that good taste produces very little drama, and the show is rather boring.

Say Yes to the Dress, and Say Yes to the Dress – Atlanta.

Bad taste, tacky gowns, petulant brides, mothers-from-hell, jealous sisters, bitchy bridesmaids, what more can one ask for? Right now, these are my favorite fashion TV show. Thank gawd there's something I can depend on.

Live from the Red Carpet, the Umpty-tump Emmy Awards

Very relaxing show – I feel free to get up and fill my bird feeders, consider caulking my windows, water my container garden, wonder why the holy hell anyone would remake Mildred Pierce, and thank goodness for DVRs. Now I can fast forward through the many interviews with men (and it seems like ONLY men are stopping to talk to the skeletal Giuliana and the miniature Seacrest), rewind for a glimpse of some of the few interesting dresses. In short, another boring broadcast. But I keep watching. What does that say about me?

The Dress -- Not great, but just grand.

2011-04-29T17:11:00.000-07:00

Kate Middleton wearing a Sarah Burton for Alexander McQueen dress

And oh, so tasteful: no boobs, no bling, no damn fit-and-flare. Pre-royal wedding, your average "Say Yes to the Dress" shopper probably wouldn't even try on a similar dress. Simon Doonan wrote that the royal wedding could usher in a "whole new era of elegant restraint" and put a temporary end to "porno-chic." Unlikely, given the Kardashian-media complex, but we can hope that at least a few bimbos out there in celebrity land will get a clue and start wearing dresses long enough to prevent the spread of crotch-rot.

Ahem. Yes. Back to the dress: in the black center of my heart-of-hearts I was hoping that Kate would wear something completely cracked-out,thus inspiring decades of brides to march down the aisle wearing, say, sequined Crocs, cowboy hats and 80's style mini-poufs, all for my amusement. The better part of me wanted her to wear something very modern and minimal, bordering on Tilda wear, that fashion and clothes bloggers could argue about for ages. But Kate, an obviously a smart, and even calculating, young woman, chose a dress that no one could complain about. Reportedly, even the hyper-critical Karl Lagerfeld liked it. May the rest of her choices as a royal be as successful, to the undoing of the tabloid press.

Oh, and I lurve the tiara. There's no garment that can't be made better by some honking big genuine jewels.

Now I wish I had a piece of carrot cake. Weddings do that to me.

Two more reasons to hate hair extensions . . .

2011-04-13T10:47:00.000-07:00

Victoria Gotti and Lindsay Lohan

The opposite of class.

Oscars 2011 -- Back in Black

2011-03-01T12:39:00.000-08:00

So I watched the E!'s Oscar special Fashion Police and TVGN's Red Carpet Review last night and learned that the paid fashion critics and I disagree about almost every dress worn, in particular Amy Adam's dark blue sequined column dress.

Amy Adams in L'Wren Scott

They all hated the cap sleeves and high neck, and hated that she wore jewelry over an already sparkly dress. Well, to heck with them, I think she looked great. I love the dress, which I call maximum minimalism, and I thought the jewelry was to die for. Carved emeralds, for pete's sake, how could those EVER be bad? I deplore the current absence of jewelry on the red carpet regulars -- for heaven's sake, it's not like they're paying for it! Then I woke this morning to the Stephanie Miller Show, and heard one of her cohorts, Jim Ward, saying that he was tired of hearing gay men criticising women's clothing, because "they didn't like her necklace; what the hell's wrong with them? She's beautiful!" So THERE!

Moving right along: if you look at the Fall 2011 New York collections, you'll see that black is not only basic, it's practically all there is: black is the new black. So instead of saying that the ladies on the Oscar 2011 red carpet were playing it safe by dressing in black, you could say that they're on trend, fashion forward, ahead of the curve. Whatevah, the result was the usual, with some of them looking great, and some of them looking absolutely frightening. Observe:

Camilla Alves in Kauffman Franco: Perfect. Camilla Alves was at the Academy Awards with her husband, Mathew McConaughey. He was only presenting an award, she was only his plus one, never the less, she stole the show. Her backless, practically frontless, full skirted black dress should go down in history as one of the best black dresses, EVAH. It shows everything without showing anything, because it fits perfectly. Of course, it doesn't hurt that the person wearing it is absolutely beautiful. I only wished she had filled some of that decolletage with a smashing necklace, like so.

Annette Bening in Naeem Khan: A Definite Maybe. Annette's art deco gown is hot off the Fall 2011 runway, but I can't make up my mind whether I like it or not. Maybe she needed firmer foundation garments so that the dress fell better, and she really needed some help with her A-list cropped hair. But at least the gown is interesting.

Busy Phillips in vintage Pucci. It's a big ole taffetta number, and I love her in it. So sue me.

Cody Horn in . . . something. I own a dress very similar in cut and print to the dress Cody wore to the Oscars. I love my dress, I'll wear it until it falls apart, but I'm not sure it or anything similar is red carpet wear, particularly when accessorized with mesh fingerless gloves.

Sunrise Coigny in Jean Paul Gaultier: the Hunchback of Notre Dame. I love the sliver of gold on the side of Sunrise's dress, but I hate one-sleeve dresses with a passion hotter than the heat of a thousand suns. On the other hand, I love the name "Sunrise," so much better than that hackneyed "Dawn."

Sharon Stone in Dior: Mistress of the Dark. Looks like Sharon is daring someone to ask her about John Galliano, just fired by Dior for making anti-Semitic statements, or someone had just asked her about him, and she's getting ready to drink that person's blood. I'm real fond of vampires, so I congratulate Sharon for bringing the good crazy.

Helena Bonham Carter in Colleen Atwood: Film Before Fashion. I saw Ryan Seacrest's red carpet interview with Helena, where she firmly put that omnipresent evil homunculus in his place. How can I not love her after that?

Reese Witherspoon in Armani Prive: Snoozeville. Reese's gown is what I call minor minimalism, or in other words, nothing. Girlfriend needs a touch of Sharon Stone's crazy to spice up her act.

Ain't done yet! Stay tuned for for comments on the remaining public fashion insanity.

The Academy Awards 2011 -- high contrast competition

2011-02-28T11:46:00.000-08:00

There were two teams fighting it out on the Academy Awards red carpet Sunday afternoon: Team Pale and Team Red. Points were scored by both teams, but Team Pale dominated the field, in spite of the penalties racked up by Nicole Kidman and Melissa Leo.

On another note, the Hair Brassiere was not in play, since most of the Class A players are going short. It looks like players in the big show don't need any extra padding in their helmets. Or on their chests.

Here's a recap of the game:

Jennifer Lawrence in Calvin Klein Collection: Look at My Butt, Not at My Bustle. Team Red started the game when nominee Jennifer came out in a super minimal look. Can't say I was knocked out by the dress, but I was impressed by Jennifer's ability to wear it without showing lumps or bumps, which, I think, is the point of minimalist fashion:

Hailee Steinfeld in Marchesa: She's 14, She's Beautiful, and She's Wearing Marchesa. Have I told y'all how much I love tea length full skirts? Well I do, and the length alone makes this dress for me. Otherwise it's a bit bland, especially compared to the bangin' Prada dress she wore to the SAG awards. I would have preferred this dress a shade darker, or a different color -- yellow, maybe, with gold embroidery? -- just to have her stand out from the crowd of other pale pink dresses.

Anne Hathaway in vintage Valentino Couture: Red Gone Wrong. Squished boobs, frumpy bustle, and matchin lipstick. All no-nos in my book. I wonder if the pregnant Rachel Zoe did her styling for Anne's multi-dress Oscar extravaganza? If so, that's going to make one hellava episode of the Rachel Zoe project.

Mandy Moore in Monique L'Hullier: Wake Me Up When It's Over. Mandy's dress looks like a bad version of Hailee Seinfeld's Marquesa; not terrible, just blah, which may be worse.

Sandra Bullock in Vera Wang: F*ck You, Jesse James and the Ho You Rode In On. Finally, a dress by a wedding gown designer that doesn't look bridal. In fact, Sandra's hot look is pure Jessica Rabbit. I love the two-layer bodice, although there's some obvious pull over the thighs. What was it with all the hobble skirts this year? Anyhoo, go Sandy!!

Florence Welch in Valentino Haute Couture: Are Those My Mother's Curtains? Haute couture is wasted on Florence because she can't sell a look. Head up, shoulders back, and some chicken cutlets for your bra, girl! There is no slouching in high fashion!

Jennifer Hudson in Versace: She Didn't Get the Minimalist Memo. These big ole taffeta numbers are looking rather dated, aren't they? A simple column would have shown off Jennifer's great new figure better, and wouldn't have abused her bosom the way this gown does.

Michele Williams in Chanel Couture: She Got the Memo. I almost really love this dress, probably because I like the idea of formal t-shirt dresses. However, the center seam and the transparency annoy me.

Penelope Cruz in L'Wren Scott: Christmas in February. Some people really liked Penelope's dress, but I think it looks like a Christmas tree skirt you could pick up at the Dollar Store. She also needs more support. Sorry, I seem to be fixated on bosoms today, but it's hard to ignore them when they're unleashed en masse.

Hilary Swank in Gucci Premiere: We've Seen This Before. Servicable, but not exciting.

Halle Berry in Marchesa: Reining in the Crazy. We've seen many variations on Halle's dress, but at least she doesn't look like a hooker or a crazy, bitter, separated single mother. She'd better be careful -- nasty custody fights can make a girl ugly.

Celine Dion in Armani Prive: She got the Minimalist Memo too. I think Celine's dress would have been really great if it had been let out a half inch on either side. As it is, it looks like Celine is trying too hard to show off her post-twins figure, and she got stuck with a hobble skirt.

Gwyneth Paltrow: Almost Perfect. If Gwynie had just left off that weird little brooch at the waistline (more Christmas!), this would have been my favorite look. Le sigh.

Melissa Leo in Marc Bower: There Are No Words. Oh, yeah, maybe there are. Will "lace tablecloth" do? Or better "lace tablecloth on the Starship Enterprise." Oy, that collar!

Nicole Kidman: WTF? Ah, the beautiful Nicole Kidman: when she gets it right, she gets it very, very right (I still love that chartreuse Dior she wore, lo those many years ago), and when she gets it wrong, boy howdy, it is SO wrong (that gold spangled Tom Ford for YSL flapper dress, mercy!). Her 2011 Oscar gown has to be filed under WRONG. It's another table cloth. A used wrinkled cotton tablecloth turned into an ill-fitting dress that probably cost as much as a BMW X3. Oh, Nicole!

Sorry for the exclamation-mark abuse. Stay tuned for more Oscar Madness.

Trends I don't like -- the Hair Brassiere

2011-02-27T15:05:00.000-08:00

So I'm sitting here watching (sort of) E!'s Countdown to the Red Carpet, wishing some fashion guerilla would tackle Giuliana Rancic and shave her head, then force her to eat an In & Out Burger Double-Double. I'm also bracing myself for the hair extension abuse that certain stars and celebusluts inflict on their viewers. Look at these examples from the Grammy awards:

Miley Cyrus at the Grammy Awards

Jennifer Lopez at the Grammys

They look like they're in bad Lady Godiva costumes, that is, they have the hair AND a dress. In Miley's case, she in fact may have been using her hair extensions to maintain her modesty, because she was falling out of her dress. Fake hair is no substitute for clothing. But other red carpet regulars are wearing their extra-long extensions swept forward over their bodices, and those extensions are often so loaded with product they look like the hair was glued to the dress. So tacky, so Jersey Shore (is that redundant?), not to mention an insult to the dress. For heaven's sake ladies, PUT UP YOUR HAIR, or better, CUT IT.

Oh. The Grammys. Right.

2011-02-14T10:53:00.000-08:00

Rihanna

So I attempted to watch the Grammys red carpet show yesterday -- I got as far as Lady Gaga's appearance in her egg, and I turned it off. Girlfriend soooooooo needs to get over herself. And there's something wrong about an event where the women appear dressed in cracked out couture and the men appear dressed in early thriftstore. Why bother with the parlor line-up for this event? There's no rock-n-roll fashion any more, country stars are trying too hard to wear capital F fashion (even though you can still tell they're country singers from a mile away), and all the R & B stars are trying to compete with Rihanna. Rihanna, btw, won the OMG, She Naked! award, so everyone else should have just stayed home, especially all those people who show up everywhere, like Kim Kardasian and Snooki. Eva Longoria? Why was she there? Heidi Klum? Where was Seal? What a cluster fug.

Complaints on record; just let me say that Jennifer Hudson looked great, although I think she might be messing with her face a bit, WHICH SHE SHOULD NOT DO; don't know how much it cost Kathy Griffin to get her current body, but it was worth every penny (like the dress, too); and someone needs to get Giuliana Rancic a plate of spaghetti and meatballs, STAT!

And that's enough of that.

Fresh Squeezed

2011-02-13T14:47:00.000-08:00

There's not much color in the Fall 2011 collections so far, but what color there is, is orange, ranging from tomato-soup to rust to full-on Sunkist orange. Looks good with all that black.

Costello Tagliapietra Fall 2011

Cynthia Rowley Fall 2011

Jill Stuart 2011

Rachel Zoe Fall 2011

Threeasfour Fall 2011

Victoria Beckham Fall 2011

I guess if you can't sit by the fire, you might as well wear it!

Another opening, another show

2011-02-11T17:34:00.000-08:00

Guess what!!! Another month of Fashion Weeks is upon us. Seems like just yesterday we were (or maybe just I was) looking at the Pre-Fall collections. Well now it's full-on Fall 2011 in Fashionland. The New York shows are first, and the first collections are usually from smaller and and more avant garde houses. These are the collections that set the trends, and the trends this season are: covered-up (sleeves, yeaaa!!!), grunge (flannel, yea?), and unisex. Lots of pants and longer skirts, few dresses, no glamour and noooooooooo sex. Oh, what will our red carpet divas and celebri-sluts wear? With not a princess moment in sight, will Rachel Zoe really go bananas? Doubtful -- there's always going to be some sequin queen out there sewing up the usual, but boy, I'd pay good money to see some gal appear on the red carpet in flannel.

Here's a sampling. You can see complete collections at Style.com.

BCBG Max Azria

Christian Siriano

Jennie Kayne

Luca Luca

Lyn Devon

Norma Kamali

Peter Som

Rachel Comey

Richard Chai Love

Ruffian

Steve Allan

Tess Giberson -- I WANT this sweater.

Tim Hamilton

Wayne

Wes Gordon

These designs, while not necessarily flattering, look cuddly and warm. Were the New York designers influenced by the snowy weather, or is flesh just out of fashion?

Shopping alert

2011-02-02T11:59:00.000-08:00

Mark Jacobs lace dress available at MyTheresa.com

SAG-related shopping alert. You can buy this retro lace dress, worn by Helena Bonham Carter in a half-hearted attempt at normality, for a mere E4910, which is about $6,000.00 American. I'd say save some money and buy this variation on the theme by Proenza Schouler,

Proenza Schouler dress at MyTheresa.com

which I think would be more flattering and is a mere E1398. Or you could save lots and lots and lots of money and get this lace dress,

Well-mannered Minx Dress at modcloth.com

which is possibly more flattering than both of the high-priced choices above, and is currently on sale for $132. Ah, bargain hunting. It's a good thing.

Lip trauma

2011-01-31T16:51:00.000-08:00

Paz de la Huerta in Twenty Cluny and scary makeup

Having the attention span of a gnat, I'm already bored with the whole SAG fashion thing and wasn't going to write any more about it. Then I saw this picture of Paz de la Huerta and I had a flashback to days gone by when I spent hours doing my makeup just. so. The whole routine included cover-up, foundation (always something expensive, it does work better), three shades of eye-shadow (medium shade on the lid, dark in the hollow, highlight on the brow), two shades of blush (dark in the hollow, bright on the apple of the cheek). Gawd, I'm exhausted just thinking about it. Then the look was finished off with lip liner and lipstick in various shades of maroon, oxblood, and brown. Especially brown. I thought I was the bomb. Bomb victim, more like.

I do, however, really Paz' dress, but the matching lipstick should be saved for Halloween.

SAG Awards 2011 -- down-hearted, depressed and in a spin

2011-01-30T22:34:00.000-08:00

Helena Bonham Carter in Marc Jacobs

Helena Bonham Carter looks bored and depressed in this picture. I feel her pain. The SAG Award red carpets are usually interesting, but usual is not always, and this was a complete snooze-fest. Even the ugly was boring. But hell, I'm going to post some pictures anyway.

Christina Hendricks in L'Wren Scott. I give her props for wearing a bathrobe; comfort is a wonderful thing.

Diana Agron in Chanel. She looks like she was playing dress-up in her grandmother's closet. She and January Jones would probably get it right if after they picked dresses for an event, they swapped. Except for this event, where they both got it wrong.

Jenna Fischer in Fendi. She looks as depressed as HBC.

Natalie Portman in Azzaro. The commentators were happy she was showing her bump. I think she could have bumped better.

Jane Lynch in Ali Rahmi. Enough with the ball gowns. The divine Ms. Lynch needs to be Swinton-ized.

Kara Mara in Herve Leger. Oy. And vey.

Melissa Leo in Randi Rham. Tight, long and shiny looks cheap too.

January Jones in Chanel. From burlesque queen to dowager duchess in a week. I think I liked the fringed look better, at least she looked like she could sit down in it.

Clothes in Books: a thousand days of magic

2011-01-29T17:13:00.000-08:00

This is a glossy coffee table book full of great photos of early-60s minimalist fashion designed (or some say, copied) by Oleg Cassini. But as far as I'm concerned, the photos aren't the best part, the letters from Mrs. K (later Mrs. O) are. From the letters, it's easy to see why Jacqueline Kennedy is considered one of the best dressed First Ladies ever; she sure knew her mind when it came to clothes.

Take this letter from February 1961:

Now for Spring, let's get 1 beautiful wool suit -- bright color, 1 with reversible jacket, a daytime tailored coat, wool, but not too heavy -- to wear over anything -- maybe pale yellow fleece or gray? Three daytime linen or shantung [dresses] one with a jacket, one with nothing, one with a coat? Or maybe two with jackets? O three dressier afternoon dresses 2 pc shantung with straw hat, white with black polka dots, another not too decollete, 1 flowered chiffon for garden party or short evening, 1 lace dress with matching coat, another fabulous long evening dress. What will I wear over the straw one and ribbed organdie when I go out -- stole? nothing? Send me sketches then I'll be set till fall, except for a couple of Summer things to wear at the cape . . .

I don't think military campaigns are planned in such detail. Other correspondence makes it obvious why these letters weren't published until after the former First Lady's death. Like this one, dated December 31, 1960, giving Cassini his initial instructions via a numbered list of orders:

6) I seem to be all set for evening. Now would you put your brillian mind to work for day -- coats -- dresses for public appearances -- lunch & afternoon that I would wear if Jack were President of FRANCE --très Princesse de Rethy mais jeune . . .

. . .

7) PUBLICITY -- One reason I am so happy to be working with you is that I have some control overy my fashion publicity which has gotten so vulgarly out of hand . . .

8) COPIES -- Just make sure no one has exactly the same dress I do -- the same color or material -- Imagine you will want to put some of my dresses in your collection -- but I want all mine to be original and no fat little women hopping around in the same dress. You know better than I how to protect ourself against other manufacturers running up cheap copies-- I really don't care what happens later as long as when I wear it first it is new & the only one in the room . . .

. . .

9) Plan to stay for dinner every time you come to D.C. with sketches -- & amuse the poor President & his wife in that dreary Maison Blanche . . .

Not too much of a snob, was she?

Pity later First Ladies, who had to buy their clothes off the runway, if not off the rack. And can you imagine if any political wife in the past 20 years wrote a letter with the phrase "fat little women hopping around in the same dress . . .?" Or saying she wanted to dress like the First Lady of *gasp!* France???? The letter (more likely e-mail) would probably be leaked to TMZ, or show up on Wikileaks, and political disaster would follow. How times have changed.

Clothes on Film: The Damned

2011-01-28T15:22:00.000-08:00

It came to pass, one rainy Sunday in 1969, that my parents took me to see an X-rated film, Luchino Visconti's The Damned. I don't know how we wound up going to that particular film, because at the time the females in the family were still going to church and we'd been taking the Legion of Decency pledge. That's the promise Catholics used to make, out loud and during mass, to avoid naughty movies. We sure fell off the wagon by seeing The Damned.

The film has been variously described as an engrossing work of art, a kinky soap opera, a dazzling, bold movie, and an "extravaganza of incest and corruption." Lord knows, the film earned its 1969 X-rating – I don't think I've seen another film in last 41 years hence (damn, I'm old) that contains all off the following: nudity (male and female), cross-dressing, pedophilia (incestuous and anti-Semitic), homosexual orgies, murder (individual and mass), drug-addiction, suicide (child and adult), mother-raping and father-stabbing, (Arlo Guthrie reference, for you young 'uns), artistically blood-laced bodies of naked men, and lots and lots of preternaturally blond and handsome Nazis doing very nasty things.

Charlotte Rampling as Elizabeth Thallman

But never mind the Nazis and the perversions, what I remember most from my first viewing of The Damned was the appearance, not more than 10 minutes into the film, of the divine Charlotte Rampling in full, authentic, 30s hair and makeup, and my mother grabbing my hand in excitement and saying "A finger wave! I used to do finger waves when I was a hairdresser!" What followed was two hours of whispered comments about hair, clothes and decor. In fact, so taken was I by the wardrobe that many years later when I got my hands on a DVD of the film and watched it, I found I had forgotten about the mother-raping. However I had not forgotten that the very bad Mommy made her first appearance in the film wearing a bias-cut black satin gown with a diamonte-trimmed cage back.

Ingrid Thulin as Sophie von Essenbeck, the very well-dressed very bad mommy

Let me put this in context so you can understand why my mother and I were so impressed by The Damned's costuming. The wardrobes in American period films made in the 50s and 60s were never authentic; actresses playing flappers appeared in bullet bras and lacquered bubble dos (see Doris Day in Love Me or Leave Me) and depression-era women appeared in full-skirted shirt-dresses and pale pink lipstick (see Dorothy Malone in The Tarnished Angels, one of the most ridiculous films ever made). Authenticity was ignored even in WWII period movies, although all the Moms and Dads had lived through the War and all the kids could turn on the TV and watch Casablanca. (See Ingrid Thulin and, heaven help us, Yvette Mimieux, in The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Ingrid Thulin went on to play the very bad Mommy in The Damned, where the hats alone made up for previous sins against fashion.) As a Clothesaholic and a fan of 30s and 40s movies from kindergarten, I saw those crimes of anachronistic fashion and hated them.

Bad mommy in a fabulous hat.

Then came The Damned, which is flawed in many ways. For example, Warner Brothers wanted an English language film. The original script, written by Visconti and two others, was probably in Italian. Charlotte Rampling said that each member of the multinational cast delivered the dialogue in his or her own language, and the whole film was later dubbed into English. The final results sounds like a translation by Babelfish: "I have already pre-announced a similar occurrence to Frederick." WHAT?

But boy howdy, that damned movie is great to look at:

And you think your family dinners are tense?

According to a critic

Visconti's insistence on authenticity of decor and costume has given rise to anecdotes of how he sent for white German sausages from Munich to be hung in the butcher's window in place of the pink Austrian variety, or how he insisted on replacing the carpeted floor of the dining-room set with the more authentic oak blocks which took five days to lay. Some of the clothes in the film are said to be originals of the period, others are seam for seam reproductions.

oxfordjournals.org

SEAM FOR SEAM REPRODUCTIONS! YES!

Visconti gets credit for the look of the film, the much honored Piero Tosi was the actual costume designer.

The director's attention to detail wasn't so great in other areas. The movie opens on the birthday of Baron von Essenbeck, the patriarch of an industrial dynasty, but the celebrations are thrown into chaos and conflict by news of the Reichstag fire. Only the film gives the wrong date for the fire, and even in the days before Google, that was probably an easy fact to check. Militaria nerds report that although the film takes place 1934, some of the characters are wearing SS uniforms that weren't used until 1938. That's probably because the only question that was asked about the uniforms was "does his ass look good in that?" By the way, there's a reason those black uniforms are so sharp; the real ones were made by Hugo Boss.

Helmut Berger as very bad son Martin von Essenbeck. He was also Visconti's lover, which probably explains the way his cheekbones were lit.

Helmut Griem as the very bad guy Aschenbach.

Very good looking black-clad bad guys in movies send a mixed message, one of those being the directions to the nearest B&D fetish bar. Been dere, done dat, and moving right along: The Damned is credited with creating "Nazi chic," inspiring movies like The Night Porter, staring Dirk Bogarde and Charlotte Rampling, both previously in The Damned, and Salon Kitty, staring Ingrid Thulin and Helmut Berger, both previously in The Damned. I don't think that many people have actually seen The Night Porter, but practically everyone has seen this NSFW image. 1970s Naziplotation movies followed the arthouse Nazi Chic movies, and all that fascist fashion fetish is still alive and kicking in things like Lady Gaga's Alejandro video.

But forget all that morally ambiguous stuff: LOOK AT THAT FINGER WAVE.

The Real Housewives of Simplicity Patterns

2011-01-24T22:21:00.000-08:00

Pattern envelopes often feature a sketch of the design and a photo of a model wearing the completed garment. Often the model's garment is fabulously sewn and styled, yielding a final photo so gorgeous that the shopping sewer just must have that pattern, even though she knows, in her heart of hearts, that she couldn't produce anything as fabulous. But that's not the case with Simplicity patterns in the 1960s and 1970s, nooo. The garments in their pattern photos look like they were made up by home sewers who shopped for fabric at the local W.T. Grant's, and they're worn by dead-faced models or girls dragged out of the typing pool and thrust into wigs and polyester. Or zombies. Whatever, some of these photos are So Bad They're Good, and every picture tells a story. So here's the cast of Bravo's newest mysogynistic epic: the Real Housewives of Simplicity Patterns.

Bootsie: I have everything, and I want more. I always say what I think, no matter what, and that's because I'm totally honest, not because I'm going through menopause. Really, look at me, I'm 50-something and I'm still hot because I work out seven days a week and wear clothes that make my daughter cover her eyes in shame. Ah, my daughter! We're so close she doesn't mind if I micromanage every minute of her life, and she WILL be a great actress. Or maybe a supermodel, as long as she never looks better than I do. Be sure to catch me on QVC where I'll be selling the Bootsie collection of really big sunglasses.

Bunny: I want more, so I can have everything. I'm a strong, independent woman with a great career, which is a damn good thing because my husband, who rejoices in my independence in the hope that some day I'll return his balls, has been unemployed for two years. But we're working on our marriage, when I'm not out with the girls, that is. There's nothing I love like a girl's night out, preferably in another state. Hey, it's not my fault that all my friends are married to domineering jerks.

Lady Baba: I am everything, and I'll be more. I'm not a housewife, I'm a divorced wife. But you don't have to be married to a man to get his love and support, especially when you're in the adult entertainment industry. When I'm not making sex tapes, I sing, give lectures on etiquette, demand apologies from everybody, and act as Bunny's protective best friend. And if Bootsie doesn't stop calling me a whore I'm going to snatch her bald headed. From her knees up.

Bitsy: I got nothing, and I guess that's everything. I'm the token broke, overweight(comparatively), drug and/or alcohol-dependent doormat who always says the wrong thing and gets gang-bashed by the other hos, er, housewives. Even though I'm dumb as a box o' rocks, I'm the only person with an ounce of human kindness on the show, and so I'm the least popular ho. Housewife.

Balsey: More is everything. I'm different. I'm the rich BRUNETTE bitch.

Camille: I'll cut a bitch.

And so life goes on, in the the Simplicity Pattern hills . . .

The sexy 70s at Posh Vintage

2011-01-23T18:00:00.000-08:00

Posh Vintage is the only online vintage retailer I know that specializes in 1970s clothing, in particular, the super-sexy Halston-inspired disco/rock star girlfriend jersey dresses that I, who last had a 32 inch bust at age 10, could only dream of wearing. But I love to look, and I love to share, and I urge all my hardbodied readers (trans: no support or smoothing needed) to consider buying one. But keep in mind that many of these dress are not only backless, almost frontless, and clingy, but also translucent. Please avoid manties as a solution to the see-through problem.

ANYHOO, Posh Vintage offers for sale so many super sexy etc. jersey dresses that I had a hard time chosing examples. Here's a sampling:

Estevez, designer 70s jersey gown

Another Estevez jersey gown

70s Jean Varon goddess dress. Jean Varon was the brand name of John Bates, who designed the costumes for the Avenger's Emma Peel. The man knew sexy. Follow the link to see all the angles.

Radley of London moss crepe dress. Ossie Clark designed for Radley, need I say more?

70s jersey dress by Bernshaw. Fabulosity without the designer price tag.

70s Byron of Athens jersey dress. This dress looks like it was made yesterday, and could be worn forever.

70s jersey goddess dress by Maria Maria. Pretty color.

So while the current designers are doing goofy 70s, remember there's classic, hawt, 70s out there. Just keep away from Qiana, double-knit, and avocado green, and you'll find it.

What SHOULD Tilda Swinton wear.

2011-01-22T11:27:00.000-08:00

La Swinton at the 2011 Golden Globes

Oh my children, I finally know what I want to do when I grow up, or maybe I should say I finally know the first item on my bucket list, because, damn, I'm old: I want to be Tilda Swinton's stylist. I reached this conclusion after seeing what she wore to the Golden Globes, which, while Swinton, was rather blandly Swinton, and worse, was very similar to something Kate Bosworth wore in December. That twain should never meet, even sartorially.

As her stylist, I could save Swinton from similar embarassments, and I'd scour the collections for spectacularly Swinton-esque looks, which shouldn't be too hard now that minimalism has made a comeback. And I promise I'd resist any urge to dress her in chain mail and have her make her entrance on a white charger, except for the occassional photo call at the Cannes Film Festival. Anyhoo, here are some looks I picked out from the recent collections that I think are totally Swinton i.e., guaranteed to make the fashion police stutter and bleed from their eyesockets.

Two pieces: I actually like the idea of formal separates, similar to those Swinton wore at the Golden Globes, but the following looks just offer MORE:

Alexis Mabile Spring 2011

Helmut Lang Pre-Fall 2011

Giambattista Valli Spring 2011

Theyskens Theory Spring 2011 (I'm very glad Olivier Theyskens is back!)

All of these looks emphasize Swinton's height and androgeny, and all of them are just different enough to puzzle, if not down-right dismay, red-carpet watchers. Can you imagine what they'd say about the Alexis Mabile look, that combines a man's button-down shirt with a wreath of bows over the wearer's lady-parts? ("She ought to make up her mind! Is she going to the office or to a strip-club?") Or that bright, bright yellow Giambattista Valli outfit? ("Oh my gawd, I thought the fire-department had arrived!") Hee hee hee!

Minimalism: Swinton often wears very stark outfits that stand out in the usual sea of fussy dresses. Lucky for her (and me, as her fantasy stylist), minimalism is a current trend, even though most celebrities haven't gotten the memo yet. Here are a few looks just perfect for very tall, angular ladies:

Calvin Klein Pre-Fall 2011

Narcisco Rodriguez Pre-Fall 2011

Reed Krakoff Pre-Fall 2011

Zero + Maria Cornejo Pre-Fall 2011

There's no way someone like, say, Sophia Vergara or Eva Longoria or any of the ordinary run of T & A celebrities would appear in these rather monastic outfits. Thus, these looks are perfect for La Swinton. No pandering to the baser instincts for her! But for those lighter moments, some minimalist designs come in bright colors and blinding prints:

Proenza-Schouler Pre-Fall 2011

Vena Cava Spring 2011

Etro Spring 2011

Christopher Kane Resort 2011 (a tie-died jumpsuit, double whammy!)

Duro Olowu Spring 2011

I lurve that pink Proenza Schouler dress, although it might be more Mila Kunis (who has the potential to be fabulously unconventional) than Swinton, although a change in the shoe might push the outfit Swinton-ward. The rust Vena Cava dress looks like something Isadora Duncan would wear for a performance, and I somehow feel that Duncan and Swinton are kindred spirits, although I'm sure Swinton would never wear an extra-long scarf while riding in an open car. As for the rest -- well, we know how the Fashion Police hate prints on the red carpet, and the resulting moaning and gnashing of teeth would completely justify the wearing of one of these boldly, uh, bold garments. But for something completely different, there's . . .

Goth: Swinton wears a lot of black, but I don't think she's ever gone completely Goth. It's about time she tried it.

Nicole Miller Pre-Fall 2011 (actually La Swinton has worn something similar to this dress, but I like the Miller version, so it's here.)

Nina Ricci Pre-Fall 2011 (sometimes a girl just has to break out the ruffles.)

Yoji Yamamoto Spring 2011 (absolutely to be worn with the combat boots.)

HA! Take THAT, short girls in red and emerald green!

The Maximal Dress: There's a scene in the movie Orlando, where Swinton appears as the newly-female Orlando wearing a powdered wig and big-skirted 18th century dress. Then, dressed like Marie Antoinette, she runs through a maze to escape an importunate suitor. It's one of my favorite scenes in a clothes-erific movie. (If I were a clothes designer, I'd do a collection based on Orlando, which starts in the Elizabethan era and ends in the 1920s.) Swinton deserves a big dress moment on the red carpet to shame the usual crowd of train-dragging midget divas and drive them into the shadows where they belong. Behold!!!

Alexis Mabile Fall 2010 Couture ("give me your leather, take from me, my lace . . ." Please, any available diety, never let me see Don Henley in lace.)

Lavin Spring 2010

Victor & Rolf Spring 2010 (you want a white moment? THIS is a white moment.)

Christian Dior Fall 2010 Couture

I would exercise my stylist's perogative to have the one shouldered gowns remade with two shoulders (that Lavin would look better with a regular T-shirt top anyhoo) and I'd see to it that Swinton was surrounded by minions to clear the way while she made her way down the red carpet like a three-masted ship in full sale. Stand back and make way for the major MAJOR dress!

The Valkerie Moment: Okay, I said I'd resist putting La Swinton in chain mail, but alas, I am but a weak woman, and sometimes mere clothing is Not Enough. Luckily, there are designers willing to put a woman in the armour she deserves. Cue the Wagner!

I really, really, really like this look. Period.

All three looks, Gareth Pugh Spring 2011 (if I were directing a futuristic sci-fi movie, I'd so hire Gareth Pugh as the designer. I can pay no higher compliment.)

Because if anyone could drag Ryan Seacrest into Valhalla, that person is Tilda Swinton.

Golden Globes 2011, my favorites, some runners-up, and top-rated dresses I don't like.

2011-01-17T13:42:00.000-08:00

Many of my favorite Golden Globes looks wound up on other bloggers' worst lists. Of course, I think I'm right and all those other clothes writers lack imagination.

Ooooh, a lot of people think the red rose on Natalie Portman's dress ruined it. I think the rose, which is hand embroidered and studded with Swarovski crystals, is whimsical and adds punch to a pale dress. Natalie looked great on TV, absolutely radiant in the best tradition of expectant mothers. Go Natalie.

I should hate Olivia Wilde's Marchesa dress for being too big and formal (other people did), but I can't because it looks like a child's fantasy of a fairy princess dress, light-weight and sparkly. And Olivia's smile sure doesn't hurt.

Some people loved Emma's Calvin Klein dress for its color, other people disliked it for that reason. The color looked deeper, and better, on TV. I love the dress because when a girl needs to stand out in a sea of ball gowns, less is indeed more!

Julianne's hair and makeup are terrible, the Fashion Police noticed, and her look was generally dissed. I like the dress; it's minmal with built-in bling. What a good idea! And Julianne should put on some lipstick, it will make her feel better.

These red dresses got a lot of praise. I lurve red, but I don't love these. I'm over bombshells and bombshell wannabes.

January Jones trying to be edgy again -- she looks like she's playing dress-up in Gypsy Rose Lee's closet.

Let's see, Christina has big hair, big boobs, and a super big shoulder growth on her Wilma. If anyone needs a lesson in minimalism, it's Ms. Hendricks.

Sophia Vergara needs to remember that Jessica Rabbit was a cartoon.

And enough -- on to the SAG Awards, where the ladies at least attempt to dress with class.

Golden Globes: Vanilla Fog

2011-01-17T11:58:00.000-08:00

Pale, pale ladies in pale, pale dresses. If I had ever been into anemia-chic, I'm over, over, over it now.

Nicole Kidman in Prada. I get it Nicole; you're pale and delicate. Now eat a hamburger and get a spray tan.

Jennifer Love Hewitt looking robust in Romona Keveza. J-Lo-Hew was nominated for playing a prostitute; that dress ain't foolin' anybody.

Diana Agron in J. Mendel. Nicole wannabe.

The hot Heather Morris in a dress by Lorena Sarbu. This could be the hot dress hot Heather deserves, in another color, as it is, it's only vanilla blah.

J-Lo in Zuhair Murad. That poncho thing looks like something a much older woman (i.e., me) would wear to cover up her upper arms. J-Lo doesn't need it, and after three or four weddings, she doesn't need the bridal look, either.

Julie Bowen in Shoji Tadashi. I like the bottom of this dress, the top is the same old Wilma with a growth.

Sarah Highland in Max Azria. Her outfit looks much better in close-up, where you can see the lace detail on the bodice and her fabulous necklace. From a distance, however, the dress looks like a day-old latte.

Ladies of the Red Carpet, let this be your mantra: "I'd like that dress in a darker color." And just say NO to the one-shoulder dress.

Golden Globes. Just peachy -- with a dash of pink.

2011-01-17T09:25:00.000-08:00

According to Yahoo OMG, my predictions for worst dresses were pretty accurate, although Yahoo's dress watchers liked Halle Berry's long-line bra dress, which looks even worse in close-up than it does in the picture I posted originally. Check out the Yahoo ratings here.

In other news, there were a lot of blush beauties (and a few blush uglies -- oh Julianne!) among the gowns:

Natalie Portman in Victor and Rolf. The Yahoo-ettes didn't like this look; I loved it, especially that red, red rose.

Vanessa Williams. The captions say this is pink; looks white to me. Damn, I'm tired of the Wilma Flintstone one-shouldered look.

Naya Rivera in Badgely-Mishka. Even with the tortured bosom, she looks better than she did at the 2010 Emmy's, where she went flamenco-goes-to-the-prom.

Megan Fox in Armani Prive. Gossips say that Megan wants to be taken seriously, which explains the lady-like look. Frankly, I liked her better when she was all T & A. Check out her shoes -- totally crippling and totally hawt!

Rhea Durham in Michael Kors. A shade darker would have been better.

Anne Hathaway in Armani Prive. Some sites call her dress bronze, looks pink to me. But forget the color -- look at the shoulders. Nooooooooo!!!!

Lea Michele in Oscar de la Renta, looking just like I thought she'd look, except in pink. Wake me up when she's over.

Clare Danes in Burberry. She was named best dressed last year for a sparkley nude strapless number; I like this dress better. Color on a blonde girl is always a good thing.

Emma Stone in Calvin Klein Collection. This minamalist look was one of my favorite dresses of the evening, especially because of the cut-down-to-there back. Go Emma, whoever the heck you are.

Green is the new navy blue, which had been the new black, like last year . . .

2011-01-16T21:46:00.000-08:00

This is a color trend that caught me by surprise:

Angelina Jolie in a very covered-up Versace, dressed for once as Titania instead of Vampira. Kelly Osbourne is nuts about this dress. I wonder what Kelly has been drinking.

Catherine Zeta Jones dressed as the Muir Woods. Damn, that's a lot of green.

Holy Cow, Elizabeth Moss is wearing, uh, MOSS, by Donna Karan. It's great to see her in color.

Mila Kunis in Vera Wang, looking disappointingly conventional.

Golden Goofs 2011

2011-01-16T20:25:00.000-08:00

Usually, the fashion police save the best, i.e., the worst dressed, for last. But before I write anything else about fashion at the Golden Globes, here are the gowns I think the professional dress-watchers will chose as the worst, either because the dresses are actually hot messes, or because the dresses don't conform to their red-carpet standards.

Let's start with the sure losers:

Helena Bonham Carter. Okay, I get it: you're English, eccentric, and married to Mr. Bizzaro. Now go look in a mirror and COMB YOUR HAIR.

Annette Bening -- she looks like me, in the morning, with bed head. No celebrity should walk the red carpet looking like me in any way whatsoever.

Halle Berry in Nina Ricci. Even the most beautiful woman in the world can't make this schmatta look good.

Seal and Frau Klum dropping in at the Golden Globes on their way to the beach.

Julianne Moore. NO ONE-SLEEVE DRESSES, EVAH!

Tina Fey in L'Wren Scott. This dress isn't that bad (a smidge too tight), but she just can't win.

Tilda Swinton. Hey, she gets a pass from me, but Joan Rivers isn't going to like it.

These women Dare To Be Different, specifically, they aren't wearing one-shoulder or strapless mermaid gowns with origami details. They will pay for their insolence!

Leighton Meister in Burberry: 1970s meets Romeo and Juliet in color-sapping beige.

Michelle Williams wearing Valentino: really really 70s in more beige. I predict everyone is going to hate this dress, mostly because I kinda like it.

Sandra Bullock in Jenny Packham: going from golden icon to hippie in 12 short months. 2 droopy 2 B true.

Scarlett Johanssen in Elie Saab. I can hear it already: "It's too old for her."

Hey, it's Natalie Portman's year. Everyone else should just stay home.

Wedding gown fever

2010-12-20T11:40:00.000-08:00

Okay, okay -- everyone is writing about What Will Kate [Middleton] Wear, and Who Will design it. And I have to admit, it's fun looking at different designer's ideas for The Gown, and, thank the Fashion Thing, none of them look like that float in the parade that Princess Diana wore. This sketch, by Chris Benz. is my favorite of the WWD designs, possibly because it looks nothing like a wedding gown:

Chris Benz for Women's Wear Daily

However the money, literally, is on Bruce Oldfield, an appropriately British designer, to do The Gown, and so I went to check out his retail designs. And you know what? I like them!

Gown by Bruce Oldfield

His gowns are classic and sophisticated and there's not a transparent corset or super-poofy skirt in sight. Of course, he could be carried away by the royal assignment and produce something grotesque that will influence gown design for a decade, and, well, wouldn't that be good for bloggers?

Sheer Madness

2010-12-16T09:23:00.000-08:00

From the Style.com review of Vera Wang's Pre-Fall 2011 collection:

. . . the designer came up with a novel way to solve the cold-weather shorts issue, sewing sheer pants into the waistband of bloomers and an all-in-one.

Vera Wang Pre-Fall 2011

Once again, that goes to show what I know. I've always thought the solution to the "cold weather shorts issue" was PANTS.

Yeah, designers are loving sheer fabrics right now: if only they knew what to do with it. You may have seen the following mysteries at Go Fug Yourself:

So, Christina Ricci gets boob shades and Selena Gomez gets crotch drapes. People should not be dressed in window coverings.

The worst thing about the sheer trend? The granny panties worn underneath. Who could forget Gretchen whosis in all her mantie glory?

But even designers who should know better are putting enormous underpants under their sheer skirts:

Alberta Ferretti Spring 2011

Araks Spring 2011

Michael Kors Spring 2011

Well, maybe Michael Kors doesn't know better.

It's probably the old fart in me talking again, but I always thought that the solution to a sheer skirt was a SLIP. Damn, do they even make slips anymore?

And don't get me started about all the sheer tops. I am still blinded by the headlights.

A little more Ossie

2010-12-16T08:01:00.000-08:00

Great photos here.

Oscar de la Renta Pre-Fall 2011: Princess moments galore!

2010-12-10T13:56:00.000-08:00

If you'd like to check out all the Princess Moments, check out Oscar's entire collection here.

Oscar de la Renta always does a lot of red-carpet or evening looks, but he went overboard for Pre-Fall 2011. Princess moments everywhere: maybe he was inspired by the engagement of Wills and Kate (do you give a rat's ass? I sure don't) as Vogue suggests, or maybe he just wanted to get a jump on the 2011 Awards season: the People's Choice Awards are January 5, the Critics Choice Awards are January 14, the Golden Globe Awards are January 16, and the SAG Awards are January 30. And let's not forget my very FAVORITE holiday, National Pie Day, January 23, although I don't think I'll be dressing in Oscar for that event unless he makes aprons.

Oscar de la Renta always does a lot of red-carpet or evening looks, but he went overboard for Pre-Fall 2011. Princess moments everywhere: maybe he was inspired by the engagement of Wills and Kate (do you give a rat's ass? I sure don't) as Vogue suggests, or maybe he just wanted to get a jump on the 2011 Awards season: the People's Choice Awards are January 5, the Critics Choice Awards are January 14, the Golden Globe Awards are January 16, and the SAG Awards are January 30. And let's not forget my very FAVORITE holiday, National Pie Day, January 23, http://www.chiff.com/a/american-pie-day.htm although I don't think I'll be dressing in Oscar for that event unless he makes aprons.

I'm sure Rachel Zoe found the whole collection BANANAS and just DIED before she claimed a couple of dresses for Demi and Cameron, even though neither of them has had any reason to be at any award show in years. I also predict that Lea Michele will wear an Oscar to the SAG Awards, and that Miley Cyrus is going to show up somewhere she doesn't belong wearing the biggest and most formal of these gowns and be interviewed while chewing gum. I actually propose a contest – guess who will show up wearing which dress. The prize will be a cyber pat on your back from me and whatever you want to give yourself as a special treat. I recommend a piece of pie. Key lime: winter is citrus season.

Anyhoo, these are my guesses. Click on the links to see how I reached my conclusion.

Carrie Mulligan

Dita von Teese

Dita von Teese, Ann Hathaway (if Rachel lets her)

Katie Perry, Cate Banchette (hows that for a duo?)

Eva Longoria, Demi Moore (if Rachel can get it in white)

Dianna Angron (without jacket)

Miley Cyrus (with chewing gum)

Eva Longoria, Naya Rivera, Juliana Rancic (is de la Renta in the E! budget?)

If you'd like to check out all of Oscar's Princess Moments, you can see the entire collection here.

Some belated sad thoughts about Project Runway, Season 8 . . . and more and better thoughts about Ossie Clark

2010-12-09T20:51:00.000-08:00

I spent most of October drafting complaining posts about Project Runway, then spending so much time collecting my thoughts and pictures to illustrate my annoyance with said program, its contestants and judges, that the next week's episode was upon us and something else about the show annoyed me. Needless to say, all that pent up annoyance just overflowed when the pretentious Ms. Gretchen Jones was picked as the winner over Mr. Joyous-in-the-Face of Adversity, Mondo Guerra. Since then I spent more time than I care to admit reading the hundreds of comments at Tom & Lorenzo, sulking, and, obviously, not blogging.

All was not bad, however, because as a reaction to the Project Runway looks, which seemed to be very 70's influenced, I started looking again at 70's fashion, and remembering . . . oh yeah, the 70's, that blissfully ignorant time before AIDS awareness and the herpes epidemic, when people believed that cocaine wasn't addictive, suburbanites were swinging, groupies became superstars, the beautiful people were doing screwing in the dark corners of Studio 54, and Fire Island was one big orgy, was a damn sexy time. In case anyone didn't get the idea, the designers made clothes that were transparent, cut down to there and held on by a couple of strings, not to mention teeny-tiny hot pants that in no way resembled Granny's panties. But most of the faux retro clothes on Project Runway were not sexy at all, with the exception of Michael Costello's occasional foray into Halston territory.

To backtrack, my trip down nostalgia lane really started with the Hewlett Packard product placement design-your-own-print gimmick episode. In those episodes (a total of two, so far) technology and the creative opportunities are talked up, and the designers faked excitement over their chance to, well, design. Then most of them made garments that used the smallest amount possible of their mostly dreary grey and black prints, leaving me to wonder whether the contestants' print and color phobias arose because they are all colorblind, or because they're so self-absorbed that they've never looked at any clothing except the stuff they design themselves. For a print fetishist like me, watching those dreary messes come down the runway was torture.

All that made me think of Great Prints I Have Known, which made me think of Celia Birtwell, fabric designing star of the late 60's and 70's, which made me think of her husband, Ossie Clark, Designer to Rock Star Girlfriends. Thinking of Celia Birtwell and Ossie Clark is always a Good Thing.

Mr and Mrs Clark and Percy by David Hockney, Tate Collection

Looking at vintage Ossie Clark clothing is an even better thing, for example:

Ossie Clark Print Blouse, Costume Institute, Metropolitan Museum of Art

Ossie Clark Print Dresses featured at The Hoard Gazette

Look! Prints and fabulosity!!! Enduring fabulosity, in fact, given that vintage Ossie is always in high demand and very expensive. [To gaze on more fabulosity, print or otherwise, see the sold gallery at C20 Vintage Fashion. To buy vintage Ossie, try Shrimpton Couture, Posh Vintage, or Vintage-a-Peel. Alas, vintage Ossie seems to come only in size 0 – 4, being made in the days before breast implants and waistline inflation became endemic. *Le Sigh*

But back to Project Runway, briefly. Gretchen did patterns for the finale, possibly to challenge Mondo on his own turf, but . . . brown? For Spring? I don't dislike brown clothing as much as I dislike, say, brown comforter covers (I own, for example, two lush and lovely brown mink coats – oh, get over it, they're both vintage; those nasty cat-killing, chicken-eating rodents would have died of old age long before now), and yeah, yeah, I know that there are no rules about color any more, but geez, when Mother Nature is throwing color around, don't you think designers should too?

Goes to show what I know: when I first saw Mondo's collection, way back in September, I saw his bubble dress and thought: "That's it, that's the winning look." Heh.

Unlike everyone else in the world, I actually liked Andy's headpieces, in fact, I liked them better than I liked his clothes.

To sum up: Everything y'all thought and said about Gretchen's win is correct. I mostly said and I continue to say, "What the hell were they thinking?"

I am enjoying The Fashion Show on Bravo -- it's way better than last year.

She walks! She talks! She SEWS!!!

2010-12-06T11:04:00.000-08:00

Every body remains in a state of rest . . . unless it is acted upon by an external unbalanced force. Especially my body. After years of shopping (or rather, dithering) for a sewing machine, I finally bought one – in August – and it sat in my front hall, still in the box, until Thanksgiving weekend. It got unwrapped, set up, and used the Saturday after Thanksgiving only because the forecast was for very cold weather, and I needed a duvet cover to put on my comforter so that I could put the comforter on my bed, and I hated all of the duvet covers I saw in the stores.

Bedding design is currently reflecting the national moods: fragile, dark and depressed, or crass, loud and dumb. I saw entirely too much solid brown, blue and grey, punctuated by neon-colored Pop-art designs, all on sheet-weight fabric, and all costing wayyyyy too much. What is it about duvet covers? They're mostly just two sheets sewn together, mostly without trim, yet they cost more than comforter sets.

Anyhoo, I didn't see anything I wanted; I wanted pink, bright red, yellow, the girlier shades of orange, and flowers, flowers, flowers. Why yes, I am a woman living alone – but let me tell you, no man who loses his hard-on when confronted with a floral print is worth keeping.

And most importantly, my duvet cover has to stand up to kitty claws and hide cat hair, because, in truth, it's the cats' bed; they only let me sleep in it.

So I decided to make a duvet, using the directions I found here, and on Black Friday I went to Jo-Ann fabrics, which is, sadly, the only retail fabric store in town. It was a total madhouse, and because I don't do Christmas any more, I have no idea why. Anyhoo, I replaced all my missing sewing accessories there (except I forgot to buy a ruler), then sped off to the local discount home fabric place, aptly named Home Fabrics and Rugs. It has a website, but clicking on it just gets me a screaming full-screen warning from my antivirus program, so no link. The supermarket-sized store, however, is wonderful, jammed floor to ceiling with bolts of fabric arranged by color (although among all the shades of red I couldn't find pink. What?) Even better, it has a tennis-court size section filled with close-out fabrics at $ 3.00/yard, including lots of floral prints, toiles, and other feminine goods guaranteed to send the average NASCAR fan into full-blown homosexual panic. Considering the usual price of home fabrics, $ 3.00/yard is a fantastic deal.

My original goal was to get two coordinating prints, a floral for the large center panel and the stripes for the side panel, but sensory overload set in, and I eventually walked out with two floral prints, chosen by I don't know what process. (Except I keep thinking about that damn toile, red print on a yellow background. Dammit, I love toile -- I might have to go back and get some.) The main print, a Covington 5th Avenue Design, (the whole line has been discontinued) is just called "red floral," and indeed it is:

The coordinating print, little red roses on a yellow background, rather Laura Ashley, is by the D'Ascoli Company and called "Addison Rose." Google couldn't find a picture of the fabric for me, but it did direct me to several sites featuring a teen pornstar named "Addison Rose." Figures.

So on Saturday morning I sat at my sewing machine thinking "How long could this take me? There are really only four straight seams. I'll be done by lunch." Then I worked on the duvet for about 10 straight hours, which included learning how to use the machine, cutting the fabric without a pattern, figuring out how to make the reverse side out of a queen-size sheet, doing French seams and top stitching the front seams (alas, I've lost my top stitching mojo), and finishing the rough edges. Here's the finished product:

I'm not entirely satisfied with it, the inside side seams could be cleaner and it probably would have looked better using the small print as the center panel, but it holds the comforter just fine and hides cat hair like a dream.

The pillow shams only took me three hours, and probably would have taken a lot less if I knew how to measure, and practical things like that. Here's the finished sham, small print as the main panel for a little variety.

And for a breakdown of the cost: Singer Curvy sewing machine, $ 199.00 - $ 229.99; sewing accessories and notions, $ 68.00; fabric, $ 36.00 (I actually bought twice the fabric necessary, in case I screwed up. I can either make another cover or lots and lots of throw pillows); 13 hours of my time at my lowest billable rate – yeah, well, it was a bargain, and I got my damn flowers!

Holy Hemlines, Batman, it's Fashion Week Month again!

2010-09-08T09:55:00.000-07:00

Sheesh. I haven't finished looking at the Fall 2010 collections yet (not to mention Pre-Fall, Cruise and Resort), and New York's Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week starts tomorrow. Given that I'm not getting ready to go to Italy this season (alas! alack!) I'll try to pay attention, but dayum, there's a whole lot of fashion going on.

Anyone watching The Rachel Zoe project this season? Dayum, Rodger (Mr. Zoe) is being a whiney bitch. And really, all that drama over that Marchesa dress: OF COURSE the designer is going to save it for the odds-on favorite for the Best Actress award (Sandra Bullock), instead of lending it to a mere presenter (has Demi Moore even been in anything lately?). Get over it, already.

Sparkly, definitely sparkly

2010-09-06T11:12:00.000-07:00

Trashy Diva Fireworks of Love dress

So, I innocently clicked on the Mod Cloth advertisement posted at Tom and Lorenzo's site, and I saw that the store was having a Last Hurrah sale, and then I saw this dress, which combines everything I love in a dress: it's by Trashy Diva, it's marked way down, it's retro, it's longer, it's 100% silk and it's in a VERY LOUD PRINT. There were only two left, and now one is mine. Wah ha ha ha haaaaaaa!!!!

There's lots of other wonderful stuff on sale over there. Go. Shop. Have a happy Labor Day!

And I forgot . . .

2010-09-02T15:38:00.000-07:00

Elizabeth Moss in Donna Karan

Eva Longoria in Robert Rodriguez

Another item in my list of red carpet pet peeves -- trains. Trains work on women getting married in a cathedral or being presented to the Queen. Trains do not work on women who are dragging them up a filthy red carpet crowded with people and video equipment, (I saw film of Wanda Sykes stomping on someone's train, and I'm certain that wasn't the only train-related crisis) and who have a one-in-five chance of having to drag the damn thing up a steep flight of steps to accept an award. Dresses with trains look downright ridiculous photographed outside on a hot sunny Los Angeles afternoon in front of a backdrop studded with commercial logos.

Now I actually think Elizabeth Moss, wearing her pink Donna Karan, looks terrific (although I not a fan of flesh-colored fabric), but she'd look just as good if she weren't dragging that extraneous hunk of fabric around. Eva Longoria looks good too, and she'd look just as good if the gown were simply floor-length. The occassion simply doesn't call for a cathedral-worth garment.

And that leads to yet another pet peeve -- occasion inappropriate dresses.

Dianna Angron in Carolina Herrera

Dianna Angron is a beautiful girl wearing a beautiful dress that is totally wasted in the commercial glare of the Emmys red carpet. All that romance should be saved for a New Year's eve gala in Vienna, or some other occasion where the skirts will swirl during the dancing and the pink lace won't clash with the background. Red carpets need something with edge and contrast, and princess moments should be saved for princess venues. (Sorry Rachel Zoe! And a princess moment on Cameron Diaz? No. Just, no.)

So, let's see, my expanded list of red carpet no-nos includes: trains, flesh-colored (aka nude), navy, or bridal-white fabric, strapless or one-shouldered bodices, mermaid or flamenco silhouettes, occasion- or age- inappropriate dresses and Christina Hendrick's and Heidi Klum's poitrines. If this were a drinking game I'd be out cold half-way through the next red carpet extravaganza.

In the Navy.

2010-09-02T10:34:00.000-07:00

Jayma Mays in Burberry

Jaimie Alexander in Nicole Miller

Kathy Griffin in Oscar de la Renta

Padma Lakshmi in Carolina Herrera

Jane Krakowski in Escada

Lea Michele in Oscar de la Renta

Ariel Winter

Here's the ladies in Navy arranged, more or less, in order of volume and in order of preference. My favorite dress is Jaimie Alexander's (I had to look her up on IMDB, and I still don't know why she was at the Emmys) because (1) it's not strapless, (2) it's not a mermaid gown, (3) she couldn't do the flamenco in it, and (4) LESS. IS. MORE. Dayum.

I also like Jayma Mays look because it's simple, and I have to give props to Kathy Griffin for buying her own dress. Bless. The rest of the ladies in this row need to reconsider. And there's nothing new about navy blue on the red carpet -- it was all over the Oscars, also in distressingly similar-looking dresses.

Well, I've got something else to add to my list of things I don't want to see on the red carpet again: navy blue. To go along with strapless, one-shoulder, mermaid, white, and flamenco dresses. Good luck to me, eh?

Emmys 2010: they pay stylists for this?

2010-08-30T11:24:00.000-07:00

So. Kim Kardashian was the best dressed woman on the Red Carpet. It truly is the End of Days.

January Jones wearing breast plates and cellophane. Honey, don't hate yourself because you're beautiful.

Heidi Klum -- short, tight and shiny. WHAT a surpise!!!

Ariel Winter (really?), got lost on her way to the Prom. In 1986.

Christina Hendricks looking like the madame of a Virginia City cathouse, and the drapes of a Virgina City cathouse, and the couch of a Virginia City cathouse . . .

Jewel, wearing Granny's doilies.

Naya Rivera, who borrowed a costume from a dinner theater production of West Side Story.

If you haven't guessed, I did not like what most of the women wore to the Emmy Awards. Most of the gowns looked alike -- bloated, over-decorated, decorated and navy blue (the navy blue brigade deserves a separate post, if I have the energy to write it). And to think, most of these women paid a stylist to choose a dress, and those stylists all picked the same, damn, dress. I think the actresses could have done better if they browsed the collections at style.com, identified the trends (yoo hoo, minimalism is the latest thing -- look into it), and spent the afternoon shopping at Nordstrom. Or got the costume designer on their shows to pick out something for them. OR ANYTHING.

Grumble, grumble, grumble.

Project Runway -- back from the dead?

2010-08-26T17:37:00.000-07:00

I've been composing an obituary for Project Runway ever since it moved to Lifetime – and then, and then, last week, the Lady Parts channel broadcast an episode that intrigued me as much as Bravo's early and wonderful episodes did. And by that I mean that after the show I wasted a whole lotta time thinking about How It Should Have Been Done and How I Would Have Done It. Lord knows the show gave me plenty of material to work with: hats from Phillip Treacy, contestant designs from hunger. But before I tell you what was wrong with the garments, and how I, in my clothes obsessive way, would have made them right, let me tell you what's wrong with the show:

(1) Too much Heidi. Yeah, yeah, she's a magnificent example of Nordic womanhood, but she has no taste (I mean, girlfriend is a 37-year-old mother of four, but she still lives for short, tight and shiny) and she's not that witty. Heidi was more amusing the first season when she was a basically a blonde automaton with a wonky accent. Last season, when the shows were All About Her, I was so bored I thought my brains were going to melt and leak out of my ears. Design a cover look for Heidi! Design a red carpet look for Heidi! Design a merkin for Heidi! Okay, the last challenge, had it been real, would have been unique, at least . . .

(2) Too many staged interviews, not enough work room drama and trash talking. What is it with competitive reality show producers? How many times do they have to cue up a one-on-one interview in which the contestant says "I've been in the bottom three [fill in the blank] weeks in a row, I really have to step it up" . . . ? I've never heard anyone in real life say " I have to step it up," but in reality shows this same comment is made so often you could turn the phrase into a drinking game. And of course we all know that as soon as a contestant makes that comment, they're gone . . . Meanwhile what made the early shows so entertaining was the way TPTB just pointed the cameras at the contestants in the work room to catch them breaking sewing machines, hiding muslin, throwing tantrums, crying, trashing each other and generally entertaining the crap out of the viewers. More of that, less "stepping up" please.

First, the credits: the photos from Project Runway (hereinafter "PR") were all borrowed from Tom & Lorenzo's blog, which is really the only PR blog you'll ever need. Bless. I wouldn't bother to do any posts about PR myself except I have way too much to say, with illustrations, to put it in comments.

And now, on to the episode: the challenge – to make a dress that complimented one of Treacy's extravagant hats. The results left me thinking that the designers were either blind or living in a parallel universe . . .

This shorts outfit is April's offering, and the peculiar bottom earned her a place in the bottom two (no pun intended). She looked at the hat and thought: "resort wear," and made high-waisted shorts (verily, an invention of the devil!) I look at that hat and think Chinese, futuristic House of Flying Daggers Chinese, to be exact. Instead of diapers, imagine this hat worn with a cheongsam made out of some unconventional material, a Lady Gaga cheongsam, in some shear fabric appliqued in strategic places with futuristic peonies and studded with pearls. I can't find an exemplar of my fantasy cheongsam, but check this out:

This vintage cheongsam is for sale at Black Light Vintage Cothing, which has quite a collection of '60s and '70's cheongsams in funky fabric. Fun. And nothing about these dresses is reminiscent of diapers.

Val had a gorgeous beaded lace mask to work with, and she produced this sad pink schmatta with a stretched out, ill-fitting bodice (interfacing is your friend), accessorized with an undersized shrug adorned with pointless zippers. That's another trend I wish would die a sudden death – exposed zippers The fact that this thing wound up in the top three is an example of Heidi's insidious influence. Surprise! The dress features the boobs! Heidi's got boobs! Heidi wants to show her boobs at at every opportunity! Phillip Tracey fairly choked over this choice, because it bears no relationship to the hat, but hey, forget it. Boobs!

Val congratulated herself on not doing the obvious and making an evening dress, and a couple of the judges agreed with her. Baloney. When I saw the mask I immediately thought Der Fledermaus, Un ballo in maschera, opera, ergo, something operatic and grand. For example, check out these beauties:

[Of these three gowns, the top dress is a Howard Greer gown for sale at Dorothea's Closet Vintage (do check the detail on this gown. You will swoon!), the second dress is a Victor Edelstein gown for sale at Antique Dress.com (fishtail back! I die!), the third, in pink, is a vintage Dior, one of the gallery pieces at Vintage Textile, which also has some to-die-for gowns for sale.]

Now imagine something similar in the palest pink or champagne, with a touch of black velvet on the bodice or at the waist, all to make the mask pop. Now, wouldn't that have been better than Val's . . . thing?

Peach had one of the best hats, but instead of making the super-sophisticated minimalist column that should be worn with such a hat explosion, she decided to cater to Heidi and produced something shiny, tight and short. And pink. I like pink, but there was way too much of the wrong pink in the wrong places this week.

I envision this hat worn with something white in the Narcisco Rodriguez - Victor Costa for Calvin Klein - Chado Ralph Rucci if-you-have-to-ask-you-can't-afford-it minimalist mode. Perhaps with a little vintage flair, because that never hurts. Like so:

Damn, I love this pattern. Of course the problem with doing minimalist design in a competition is that the judges may look at the garment and say, where's the design? To which the proper answer is, "less is more." Heidi, probably, would hate anything that covers the wearer from neck to knee, but the answer to her objection is that when it comes to coverage and class, "more is more."

Michael D. looked at this hat and saw "warrior," and now that I look at it for a while, I get the Conquistador vibe. But I'm over the whole woman-warrior look; it's so Season 4. When I saw the hat, I immediately thought: Flying Nun! And boy howdy, imagine the fun you could have doing kind of a Harajuku nun dress. Take an A-line dress, like one of these from Vintage Friends.com:

Make it short (yes, sometimes even I think short is good), add a white collar and cuffs, and maybe a Harajuku Goth Lolita-style petticoat, accessorize it with black seamed stockings or black thigh-highs, Mary-Jane pumps with 5-inch heels, and prepare to either go to the top or go home.

Am I done yet? This week's episode of PR is on in an hour, I've got time for one more:

Oh, Andy, Andy, Andy. You told Tim that this hat made you think of the Ascot scene in My Fair Lady, (I think it was Andy, until PR gets down to about six designers I can't tell them apart) and then instead of some ethereal garment in black or white, you produce . . . this hot pink duvet cover. I see this hat worn with a 1930s afternoon dress, in white. Yes my children, this episode is giving me a white moment . . . several white moments, in fact. Anyhoo, observe:

Isn't that crochet dress super fab??? It's actually a pattern for sale on ebay. Please, someone out there buy the pattern, make the dress and send me a photo. The photo of the tucked dress comes from sensibility.com.

And now I'm pooped. To heck with the rest of last week's creations. Here's hoping this week's episode lives up to last week's, or I'll bury PR yet.

Ahhh . . . Mad Men . . .

2010-07-26T10:31:00.000-07:00

Last night was the season premier of Mad Men, one of TV's best clothes shows. The stories ain't bad, either. You can read a synopsis of the episode here.

And after one episode, I:

1) Hate Betty even more than I hated her last season;

2) Love Betty's new mother-in-law;

3) Can't decide whether Don Draper's blind date was played by a lousy actress or the character was supposed to be that phony;

4) Still wonder what the hell the other senior partners in Don's advertising firm do;

5) Still wonder how Sally, Betty the bitch's daughter, will act out when the time comes? (Are you going to San Francisco, baby? Be sure to wear some flowers in your hair: clothes optional.)

6) Want to see some Mod fashion;

7) Want to see more Joan;

8) Don't want to see some ho riding Don Draper (Jon Hamm) like he was a rocking horse while slapping him around; I want to do it my own damn self.

Carry on . . .

The rich and famous travel different from you and me . . .

2010-07-21T20:03:00.000-07:00

The Fug Girls recently posted this picture of Victoria Beckham in an airport, just off a plane and looking like she had just stepped from her dressing room after 8 hours of sleep and 2 hours of intense grooming. (Her new figure, sans ridiculous breast implants, is incredibly chic, no?) Anyhoo, Jessica attributed her remarkably fresh appearance upon deplaning to some kind of uniquely "Posh" magic. But based on my experience, I think that, as in most things, being rich and famous goes a long way way toward allowing one to rise above the messy and uncomfortable.

About a month ago I was waiting in line at customs in the glamorous Newark Airport. I had just flown in from Munich, an eight hour flight in economy class on a packed Airbus (a uniquely uncomfortably aircraft). It was 95 degrees in Newark. I felt like crap, no doubt I looked like crap in my wrinkled, bland-as-possible middle-aged lady traveling uniform. The people around me also looked tired, wrinkled, and crabby -- except one, who stood head and shoulders above the crowd and whose golden head gleamed in the florescent airport light. It was Gwyneth Paltrow.

Her hair, worn up in a topknot of curls, looked like it had just been done and her skin glowed (fyi, she's prettier in person). There wasn't a wrinkle in her striped oxford shirt. As she walked away I could see that she was wearing grey skinny jeans, the kind that make me think "yeast infection," although I'm sure that the pH balance of Ms. Divinely Macrobiotic Paltrow is never disturbed by anything as common as tight pants. I couldn't see her shoes, but they had to have very high heels because I'm not exagerating when I say that Gwyneth stood a head taller than everyone around her, and according to IMDB, she's only 5'8" tall. (Me? Well, I was wearing loose flat sandals over elastic stockings to counteract the effect of eight hours of economy immobility.) Gwyneth may have been carrying a handbag (her minions, who must have flown economy as well based on their appearances, had closed in by that point) but she certainly wasn't schlepping assorted roller bags and trying to juggle passports and paper like the rest of us peasants in line.

What's the lesson in all this? Just that all it takes is enough money to afford a first class ticket, hairdressers, facialists, nutritionists, what ever you call those people who do colonics, designer clothing, minions and more minions, and you could look hot getting off a plane, too. No magic involved. Easy.

And speaking of Gwyneth Paltrow, one of the best TV moments of the year was on The Real Housewives of New York, when Kelly Bensimmon, in the middle of her meltdown, screamed at Bethenny Frankel: "Why would you attack my friend Gwyneth?" And Bethenny replied, "Gwyneth who?" Yeah, Bethenny couldn't believe that Kelly knew her either . . .

Dior Cruise Shanghai 2010 -- Think Pink!

2010-05-17T11:48:00.001-07:00

Dior's Cruise 2010 collection -- shown in Shanghai, where women can still afford to wear Dior -- is chock full of looks that press my fashion buttons: retro, minimalist, ladylike, ruffles and pink, pink, pink. OMG, there was even an evening dress with SLEEVES.

According to Style.com (where you can see the whole collection), John Galliano's inspiration was French New Wave cinema, which explains the Bardo-esque (or Shrimpton-esque) hair on the models. Except for some exhuberant evening looks, Galliano reigned in the runway crazy, so a woman could easily pick out outfits she would wear -- or would wear if she were 20 years younger and 10 lbs. lighter.

Some of these garments reminded me of clothes I actually wore way back when. I had a red dress much like the pink one with the white collar and placket. And when I was very young, my mother took me to a rummage sale in the basement of Blessed Sacrament Church, where she bought two ruffled organdy prom dresses that looked a whole lot like that pink ruffled explosion in the last picture posted here. My best friend and I spent a summer dressed up like Scarlett O'Hara at the barbeque. Ah, good times. Now if I could only win some lottery and get that black leather jacket . . .

The Alex McCord Syndrome at the MetGala

2010-05-06T16:36:00.000-07:00

Alex McCord of the Real Housewives of New York City

I'm so glad that women got the right to vote before reality television took over the world. If those male legislators voting on the 19th Amendment saw all the bimbos, gold diggers, sluts and just generally self-absorbed and selfish females who currently behave badly in public for fame and fortune, they might have voted to have American women locked away in harems instead.

I mostly have a hate-hate relationship with Bravo TV's Housewives series. I keep dropping in the last season of The Real Housewives of Orange County because the previews kept hinting that something really, really bad was going to happen to one or more of those silicon-stuffed, gold-plated idiots, and I really, really wanted to see someone get the karmic smackdown she deserved. Didn't happen -- and indeed, what could happen to a person like that unmannered clueless "Christian" wife I call Boobies McDuckface?

I never watched TRH of Atlanta or TRH of New Jersey because the mysogynist producers at Bravo made the bad worse by throwing ethnic stereotypes into the bimbo mix. Urgh. But I've always watched TRHNYC because the women of the cast are smarter and dress better. This season is particularly fascinating because the Housewives, while dressing better than ever, have gone totally batshit crazy.

Thin blonde Housewife Alex McCord is a formerly minor player in the series who has finally found her voice by trying to tell off Jill Zarin, who is loud, self centered, and really needs to be told off, repeatedly. Alex hasn't been very successful because Jill has the six-foot Countless Luanne DeLesseps running interference for her, but I give her credit for trying. She's now my favorite Housewife.

Anyhoo, while browsing the Style.com photos from this year's MetGala I mistook any number of blondes with big foreheads for Alex. Have all those hours of TV crap finally gotten to me, or do some people need to fire their stylists?

Amber Valetta in RM by Roland Mouret

Love the cut and color of this dress, hate the shoes. Amber could use slightly darker lipstick and some powder on her forehead. That forehead glare is blinding.

January Jones in Yves Saint Laurent

In her Mad Men incarnation, January Jones looks like Grace Kelly. For some reason, in real life she'd rather look like Alex McCord. Why?

Kristen Bell in Diane von Furstenberg

Another blonde -- they all look alike to me, especially when they're wearing ill-fitting strapless dresses. Damn, Kristen's bodice looks like it's about to make a run for the border.

Lauren Santo Domingo in Proenza Schouler

Nice dress, and she's working the lipstick. There's still an hint of Alex, though.

Why Were They There?

2010-03-07T21:04:00.000-08:00

As usual, the Oscar's red carpet was full of people whose connection with the nominees, or the film industry, or even this century, is tenuous, at best. These people are generally presenters who also serve as the red carpet equivalent of seat fillers. The presenters and random attendees dress up and walk when the superstars don't, or won't. Note, we didn't see Oprah dragging her train up the damp red carpet.

Nicole Richie in Reem Acra. Her husband was deejaying at some Oscar event or other. Hey, it got her out of the house.

Molly Ringwald in Todd Thomas. I have long been a Molly Ringwald fan, and that's really long considering that I haven't seen anything she's made since 1994. Her dress is great, her jewelry is even greater. But she was at the Academy Awards for a tribute to the late director John Hughes. John Hughes gets a tribute? Really? Hey, I like Pretty in Pink too, but it ain't exactly Roshomon.

Mariska Hargitay in Vera Wang. She looks fine, but like, who cares? I don't know why she was there, unless it was to wear a dress that looked just like . . .

. . . Kristen Stewart's Monique Lhuillier gown, which in turn was awfully similar to . . .

. . . Giuliana Rancic's Gustavo Cadile creation.

Let's do some trend spotting, shall we? Strapless, draped, fitted to the hip, all hell breaking loose from the hip down, blue. These three got the style memo for the evening, but it didn't make them interesting.

Miley Cyrus in Jenny Packham. According to some TV report or other, Kristen (who's claim to fame, as far as I'm concerned, is being in the most boring vampire movie of all time) and Miley were invited to the Academy Awards to attract a younger audience. Miley's fans probably aren't old enough to stay up for the whole broadcast. Anyhoo, I hate the look and I wish she would just go away.

Oh Glorious Day, Gabourey!

2010-03-07T20:06:00.000-08:00

Her first time at the Academy Awards, and what does Gabourey Sidibe say to that uberwhite closeted homunculus Ryan Seacrest?

"If fashion was porn, this dress would be the money shot."

Mr. Bland was rather taken aback.

Oh. My. God. I LOVE THIS GIRL!!!!

It's always Award Season or Fashion Week somewhere.

2010-03-06T20:05:00.000-08:00

Last month I became totally overwhelmed by both the onslaught of awards shows (the SAG awards being broadcast before I was even half-way through kvetching about the Golden Globe's) and the arrival of Fashion Week month, and I decided to put aside blogging in favor of learning Italian with the help of Rosetta Stone and a book entitled Easy Italian. Rosetta Stone Italian Volume One covers shopping, and it has me learning to ask for the location of the hardware store. Hardware store? A woman shopping in Italy? Really? How about something more, um, realistic, for example: Voglio scarpe nuove. Dov'è il negozio di Gucci? (I want new shoes. Where is the Gucci store?) or Quanto costa il vestito Dolce e Gabbana? (How much does the Dolce & Gabbana dress cost?). Remarkably, Volume One doesn't cover food, but I'm sure I can learn how to say "I'd like a double chocolate gelato with whipped cream, please," before I touch down in Naples later this year.

Anyhoo, back to clothes. I actually watch the Independent Spirit Awards show because they're often very funny and I was expecting great things when I heard that Eddie Izzard was hosting. Unfortunately, Izzard chose to show up wearing the most boring men's clothing imaginable (I like the cross-dressing Izzard. When he shows up wearing a black jacket and jeans it's like he again was given the choice between cake, or death, and chose death. Cake, please.) And, unfortunately, unlike last year (was it last year? eh, they're all the same) when Mickey Rourke went looney on the podium, there were no wackadoodle speeches. There were, however, some interesting outfits. Accordingly, my independent opinion awards:

The Nominees for the Best in Basic Black are:

Carey Mulligan

Gabourey Sidibe

Johnny Weir

Tom Ford

The Fug Girls have really gone after Carey Mulligan because of her rather dowdy red carpet looks and, I believe, because she couldn't possibly look as good in real life as she did in her award-winning film, An Education. They may hate what she wore at the Spirit Awards because it features a couple of things they hate, to wit, transparent lace panels (boy howdy, remember Britney at the Grammy's?), and ornaments that point to the wearer's lady parts. But I like this look a lot. It's young, it's leather, it's perfect for the event. Good on you, Carey.

I share the Gabourey Sidibe love. She's so charming that even if her dress wasn't cool, she'd make it so. But the dress is cool -- check out the diagonal overlapping tiers on the skirt -- and also perfect for the event. She deserves the love.

Men should always wear black with a big helping of white. There's Johnny Weir being his fabulous self in what might possibly be the most fabulous white shirt EVAH. (Note to Olympic Judges: I don't give a flying quad about jumps; give awards for music and costumes already.)

And there's Tom Ford wearing the hell out of a classic black suit, but then, he's Tom Motherf*cking Ford. The day he doesn't look good is the day I lose my faith in style.

The Nominees for the Project Runway Challenge Awards are:

Mia Wasikowska

Mia's dress was the winner of the tissue and toilet paper challenge. The tights are the winner of the let's-make-thin-legs-look-stumpy challenge.

Dana Delany

Dana's dress is from the Sunday NYT Magazine and Mini Signal Flag challenge. Some poor schmuck got auf'd for this.

The Nominees for the Oh Honey, No, Even Black Won't Save These Award award are:

Maggie Gyllenhaal

Mariah Carey

Mena Suvari

Maggie and Mariah should have swapped dresses. Even in a scoop neck and side slit, Maggie would never look like she's trying too hard to be sexy, and Mariah has the stuff to hold up droopy draping. Instead, Maggie looks like a skinny boy playing Romans and Cartheginians (and losing), and Mariah looks desperate.

As for Mena -- WTF?!? just about covers it . . .

And still to come, THE OSCARS!!!!

Goodbye, Alexander McQueen

2010-02-11T21:22:00.000-08:00

Not always pretty, but never boring.

Oops, I did it again!

2010-01-29T22:10:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I still haven't bought a new sewing machine, or figured out what to do with the 100 or so vintage patterns I rescued from my parent's house, but I just must buy a fabulous vintage pattern when I see one, and this vintage Vogue Lanvin pattern is Faaab. U. Luxe.

I bought it from Paper Pursuits.com, which has for sale a simply spectacular collection of vintage patterns, among other fashion collectibles. Check out this Lanvin suit pattern. Or, OMG, this coat dress by Fabiani. That pattern is so sharp I got a paper cut just looking at it.

And one of these days I'll get that sewing machine. Really I will.

Golden Globes -- Close But No Cigar

2010-01-23T14:30:00.000-08:00

Oh, to be just one shade of pink, one ornament, one ruffle, one dab of lipstick away from being perfect . . .

Drew Barrymore in Atelier Versace

Oh, Drew. One Swarovski crystal sea anemone would have been fine; two crystal sea anemones is an embelishment too far. It looks like she can't even let her right arm fall naturally because of that hip thingy. This could have been among my favorite looks (and even better if it were just one shade darker), but that one ornament ruined it. *sob!*

Jayma Mays in Badgley Mischka

This dress presents a classic case of the floating waistline: it's not Empire, and it certainly not natural. If those white bands had criss-crossed right at Jayma's natural waist, it would have been a sliming, natural look. This arrangement just makes her look stumpy.

Maggie Gyllenhall in Roland Mouret RM

On the first episode of Project Runway Season VII, a contestant almost got auf'd for lengthening a dress by attaching a hunk of fabric at the knee. The judges were offended by the knee seam. When I look at Maggie's dress -- which I otherwise could love -- I see that same dang seam. In other photos, you can see that the dress is lined to the knee, which indicates to me that it was originally intended to be just knee length. I wish it had been left that way.

Toni Collette in Elie Saab

Women of my mother's generation used to tell each other "Put a little lipstick on, you'll feel better!" Please, Toni, a little (darker) lipstick -- in that pale dress, the pale lipstick makes her look like a glittery vampire. With chapped lips.

Marion Cotillard in Dior

Love the color, hate the dress.

Nicole Kidman in Nina Ricci

Love the dress, hate the color. What is it with Nicole and the ultra pale? Is she trying to disappear? If so, she should consider a change of career.

Damn, I'm crabby.

Golden Globes -- They looked better on TV

2010-01-23T12:27:00.000-08:00

Jane Lynch in Ali Rahimi

Elisabeth Moss

Jennifer Morrison in Luis Antonio

These three ladies were among the first to appear on the red carpet, i.e., before I had either points of reference or sucumbed to sensory overload, and when I saw them walking, wreathed with smiles and their dresses fluttering around them, I thought they looked divine. Jane Lynch, in particular, positively glowed, and I was surprised to see how a just a touch of lipstick transformed her from tough to terrific. And then I saw the still photos . . .

Jane's dress is olive green taffeta, a LOT of taffeta. Enough said. I still think she looks good, but she could look better. Jennifer's dress suffers from its blah color, and all those ruffles on the bodice make her look matronly. Elisabeth's dress drags her down instead of lifting her up, and unless you're Ru Paul, drag is not a good thing on the runway.

Some dresses look better when the wearer is moving, some look better when the wearer is posing. The red carpet, apparently, requires the latter. Better luck next year, ladies!

The Golden Globes -- Short and Sweet & Sour

2010-01-23T10:40:00.000-08:00

The SAG Awards red carpet is almost upon us, and I haven't written anything about the GGs yet. But for any celeb who may read this blog (ha!) before dressing for the next show, here's a list of things I hope never to see on the red carpet again: asymmetry, over-sized shoulder ruffle/ornament/excrescences, ruffles, origami, knee-seams, pale colors on pale people, strapless and black. These restrictions would leave half the celebs on the red-carpet naked, but considering that some guests already prefer nudity, what the hey . . .

Meanwhile, here's Ginifer Goodwin in my favorite dress of the evening, one shoulder and all.

Ginifer Goodwin in Vionnet

The dress is fashionable and original without being extreme, and the color looks fabulous on her. The Golden Globes are supposed to be the "party" award, so cocktail looks seem much more appropriate than the huge ball gowns. Here, Ginifer's wearing the dress, it's not wearing her (Got that, Lea Michele?) Her high-contrast short doo frames her face perfectly. Interestingly, Ginifer's flattering look was mostly ignored by the fashion police, while her co-star Chloe Sevigny, who came dressed like my mother's ruffled criss-cross curtains, got tons of attention. I guess looking really good isn't enough.

Kristen Bell in Jasmine di Milo

Amy Adams in Carolina Herrera

I liked the cocktail dresses worn by Kristen Bell and Amy Adams, too. They looked like they got the message that they needed to dress up without trying too hard. Amy's dress has a great vintage vibe, which always gets a thumbs up from me, and her gold shoes are absolutely fab.

Then there were guests who looked like they didn't try at all.

Perrey Reeves in Herve Leger

Julia Roberts in vintage YSL

I like Perrey's dress, I just don't think it's appropriate for the event, especially not at knee length (should have been shorter or longer), and with those very work-day shoes. Julia's dress looks like something I would throw on to go to the monthly meeting of the Bankruptcy Bar Association, which isn't exactly a festive event. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we know you're a big star Julia, now get over your damn self and go comb your hair.

Clothes on Film: An Education

2009-12-11T11:50:00.001-08:00

Carey Mulligan and Peter Sarsgaard

I've written plenty of posts about Great Clothes in Lousy Movies, and its subset, Great Clothes on Lousy Actresses. This is not one of those posts. An Education is a damn good movie -- even if the incredible self-possession of the 16-year-old heroine is slightly hard to believe -- made better by its incredible attention to period detail, in particular, the fabulous clothes.

The movies is about Jenny, a school girl whose goal (and her parent's dearest wish) is to get into Oxford. Other than some problems with, horribile dictu!, Latin, Jenny is right on track until she's picked up by a mysterious, totally amoral older man who introduces her to the things she really wants to learn about -- good food, jazz bars, anything French, especially Paris, and sex. He also introduces her to his equally amoral friends, and of course, being amoral (as well as immoral) they have the best taste in clothes, art and interior decoration. They get Jenny out of her school uniform and into brocade sheaths, and they take her to Paris . . . but not before Emma Thompson steals the show with her cameo as the very moral principal of Jenny's school. Complications ensue, lessons are learned, and as a result An Education received an astonishing 94% approval rate at rottentomatoes.com.

The movie takes place in 1961. I adore the clothes of that period because they combine the extremely elegant with the slightly tarty. The image was every woman as mistress, instead of every woman as booty call. I prefer mistress; at least one could expect a detour to Paris on the road to perdition.

Odile Dicks-Mireaux did the wardrobe for the film. Carey Mulligan is the much-praised (and very busy) actress who plays the teenaged Jenny and wears all those clothes so well.

Here's another one!!!

2009-11-19T11:11:00.000-08:00

This floral-print, bias-cut chiffon dress is for sale at Dandelion Vintage. It's also in a wearable size, bust 34, waist 28, hips 40. Nice.

Look at this beauty!!!

2009-11-18T09:09:00.001-08:00

1930s silk chiffon dress

This quintessentially 1930s ruffled silk chiffon dress is for sale at Mystique Vintage Clothing. It's in an unusually wearable size for a depression-era dress -- bust 36, waist 32, hips 40. Most women's clothes of that era are so narrow they look like they were made for skinny 10-year-old girls. That narrow profile probably explains the popularity of the bias-cut, hip- and-belly-clinging fashions of the time. No woman who actually has hips and a belly wants them emphasized.

The narrow Norma Shearer in cling.

For your further 1930s viewing pleasure, check out the pattern illustrations at Christine's 1930 page. For example:

Floral print, check. Flounces, check. Narrow, check. 1930s fashion, YEAA!!!

Clothes on Film: Hilda Crane

2009-11-17T12:33:00.000-08:00

Jean Pierre Aumont and Jean Simmons in "Hilda Crane"

Jean Simmons & Evelyn Varden in "Hilda Crane"

While I was eating breakfast this morning I turned on the TV and caught the last 45 minutes of Hilda Crane also known as The Many Loves of Hilda Crane. I missed the many loves, instead coming in on Hilda's wedding day, when she was refusing the her future mother-in-law's bribe of $50,000 to leave her momma's-boy fiancé at the altar. Any modern viewer will conclude that Hilda should have taken the money and run away with the sexy Frenchman, especially after mean Momma calls her a tramp, but while Hilda's life-choices may have been less than perfect, her wardrobe choices were not. In 1956, the twice-divorced Hilda couldn't wear white at wedding number three, so instead she was wearing the most divine pale yellow full-skirted dress with a surplice bodice and dolman sleeves. To die!

As with many mid-Fifties Hollywood morality-tales, Hilda Crane's wardrobe is much better than its soapy plot. Hilda's full dresses (which she apparently donned after returning to her hometown to recapture her respectability) looked not only glamorous but, with the exception of the wasp-waist, comfortable. A loose dolman-sleeved bodice creates no titscrepancy, and there's absolutely no danger that the world will become the gynecologist of a woman wearing a calf-length four-gore skirt. Waists can always be let out if there's a big enough seam allowance. And there's nothing like a group of angry women in full dresses having a flounce-and-swish-off.

1950s diagonal closing dress from So Vintage Patterns

1950s Coachman's Robe pattern at Heavens to Betsey Vintage

195os dolman-sleeve shirtdress sold by Sew Cool Rock n Roll

The dresses reminded me of bathrobes, and in fact one of the vintage patterns I found that most resembled what Hilda et al. were wearing, the one from Heavens to Betsey Vintage, is in fact a pattern for a robe. A lot of damn robe.

Oh, poor Hilda, all she wanted was to be loved in a pure and honorable way, with no mother-in-laws to call her a tramp, and no French professors to call her a courtesan. Because, "[i]n case you don't know what 'courtesan' means, it's just a fancy word for 'tramp'!" (So said Hilda.)

*ETA: The costume designer on this movie was Charles Le Maire, who has a long, long, list of credits, including "All About Eve," and "The Diary of Ann Frank," and who was nominated for an Oscar 16 times and who won three, and about whom I know nothing except what IMDB provides. How did I miss this guy?

Anatomy of a Fashion Fantasy

2009-11-12T07:08:00.000-08:00

This picture of Lady Gaga, wearing designer granny panties and a lace bag over her head, was all over the fashion blogs last week, only to be superseded by photos of fellow performance-dresser Lily Allen at the something-or-other awards. Some people loved the Gaga look, some people hated it, and I wondered, again, why people go all fashion police over clothing worn by pop/rock/country stars. Music types aren't supposed to dress like civilians, and when they feel pressured to attempt fashion, they turn into ridiculous frumps. Witness the red carpet at the recent CMA awards.

Anyhoo . . . Lady Gaga is Dada, she's supposed to look absurd. What's more, even a five-year-old knows that her look is all self-promotion. So, as far as I'm concerned, screw her, her critics, her Marc Jacob's undies and her towering Alexander McQueen clodhoppers, but please, save those fantastic tights . . .

I love hose, I wear hose, I think hose flatters all legs, but particularly those of a woman-of-a-certain age who can't spend days out of every week being waxed, tanned and buffed in order to go bare-legged even in the middle of winter, in other words, me. And seeing these tights, I had an immediate vision of the outfit they should be worn with and the woman who would wear it:

The look starts with a late 40's/early 50's style nip-waist suit in a pale gray, cream or mauve:

Vintage Vogue Pattern

Alberta Ferretti Pre-Fall 2009

Christian Dior Pre-Fall 2009

Yves Saint Laurent Pre-Fall 2009

. . . worn over nothing more than a whisper of silk . . .

La Perla chemise

. . . and a spritz or two of Diorissimo.

Add a pair of pale peep-toe platform shoes (blending the color of tights and shoes lengthens the leg, doncha know):

Alexander McQueen

Michael Kors

Steve Madden

Franco Sarto

Heel-height doesn't matter here because the woman wearing this outfit (we'll call her Lady GeeBee) won't be walking. She'll be driven everywhere, in her BMW 760li (eco-pass attached). If the pavement is wet, or there's even a hint of snow on the ground, her chauffeur/bodyguard, who bears a remarkable resemblance to a Daniel Craig that had his ears pinned back at the appropriate age, will carry her to the entrance. And yes, it's okay to wear hose under peep-toe shoes.

A fabulous bag is also required:

Gucci Croissette Bag

Dior Demi Lune Bag

Not that this woman will ever need to do anything as vulgar as carry money. Her extremely competent personal assistant, who accompanies her almost everywhere, and who bears a remarkable resemblance to James McAvoy, attends to all that, like one of the Queen of England's minions. (Although you can be sure that Lady GeeBee checks her bank statements religiously.)

Of course, Lady GeeBee never leaves the house without some elegant, understated, jewelry,

Tiffany Keys

(Damn, those Tiffany keys are sexy. I think I must have one. Time to unload an heirloom or two and trade up.)

Add a silver fox stole (vintage, of course, so Mr. Fluffy isn't sacrificed to vanity, but so Grandpa Fluffy's sacrifice doesn't go to waste), lest an unruly breeze disturb Her Serenity.

One last accessory -- a first-class ticket to New York, London, Paris, or Rome, somewhere said outfit can be appreciated.

The chauffeur and P.A. travel coach.

Back to reality: I was unsuccessful in finding Lady Gaga's tights for sale online, although a Google search for fishnet hose certainly brought me to the most interesting sites. The result of the search for "nip waist suit" was more interesting (translation: smuttier) still. Hello, Gods of the Intardwebs, this is a (mostly) FASHION fantasy I'm having! I'll let y'all know when I'm having the other kind.

Big Bad Bag

2009-11-11T09:52:00.001-08:00

Jean Paul Gaultier hobo bag

I don't have the status bag fetish that obsesses so many fashionistas, but if I did, I'd spend my rent money on this bag, which combines the best of both "bag" and "fetish." I mean, really, how many accessories can go from lunch with the ladies to a steamy rendezvous at your local dungeon?

This handbag is a new item at Zappos, and, at $1321.90, is almost sold out.

Happy handbagging!

UPDATE: The same day I posted the bag disappeared from Zappos, sold out. I guess the economy's not as bad as we thought, eh?

Less is More

2009-10-31T19:39:00.000-07:00

Celine Spring 2010

Via Style.com, Vogue Magazine published its list of the 10 best collections of Spring 2010. The usual suspects -- Chanel, Balenciaga, Marc Jacobs, Lavin -- were all on the list, along with Rodarte whose post-apocalyptic deconstructed collection looks rather dated to me in this year of teh Pretty. There was also a name I'd never seen on a top-ten list before, Celine, which has in the past been criticized as too safe and commercial. However Celine is now being designed by Phoebe Philo, a great favorite of both Vogue and mine (we're Philophiles!) who produced a minimalist/military collection that I think is a real stand out among all the ruffles, bunches, gathers and general hoo-ha featured in Vogue's other favorite collections.

Celine Spring 2010

Celine Spring 2010

Celine, Spring 2010

Philo's looks manage to be simple and fashion forward at the same time. I can totally see La Swinton wearing that blue tunic dress over a pair of pants on the red carpet at Cannes.

I also love, love, love the futuristic-by-way-of-ancient-Greece minimalist collection of Osman Yousefzada.

Osman Spring 2010

Osman Spring 2010

Osman Spring 2010

Osman has lots of the stuff I love -- references to 1960s futurism, goddess dresses, baggy pants and a good dose of WWTSW. However it looks like both he and Phoebe went shopping at the same shoe store where they found new and clunkier versions of those cork-soled platform sandals I wore in the 1970s (which, heaven help us, are still being made!) As much as I want to revisit the simple little shift trend of the 60s, I want to avoid the ankle-threatening platform sandal trend of the 70s. There are some things a person just has to grow out of.

The World's Sexiest Raincoat

2009-10-30T10:46:00.000-07:00

From the Spring 2010 Collection of Martin Grant. Yowza. This coat should never be worn with more than sandals and a spray of Chanel No. 5, and never, ever, be worn in the rain.

All looks, Martin Grant Spring 2010

I loved the rest of Grant's minimalist collection, too, even the asymmetrical looks and the jumpsuit-with-the-funny pants. I think his looks are what fashion editors mean by the phrase "clean and modern." Clearly, he can deliver a lot of look without a lot of fuss.

This is what Style.com said about one of Grant's earlier collections: "Grant's clothes were impeccable. Yes, they're Park Avenue grand—perfect for those polite ladies who never have a hair or hemline out of place. That's not to say they won't appeal to younger high-maintenance types too. It might be old-school technique, but the effect was dynamic and contemporary, without any need for gimmicks or fuss."

"Impeccable." That's a good thing.

Teh Last of the Pretty

2009-10-16T17:40:00.000-07:00

For the time being. Anyhoo, I give you -- Pretty on the Red Carpet! Some of these looks are probably too low-key and pretty to be worn by actual celebrities, but what the heck, I can dream that some starlet out there will decide that she doesn't want to look like either ho or a float in the parade. However, if one of them should have Rose Parade fantasies, I hope she goes as a Marchesa float . . .

Douglas Hannant Spring 2010

Adam Spring 2010

Carlos Miele Spring 2010

Carolina Herrera Spring 2010

Isaac Mizrahi Spring 2010

Naeem Khan Spring 2010

Stephen Burrows Spring 2010

Zac Posen Spring 2010

Marchesa Spring 2010

I wish that bustle-like swag in the back of that blue and white dress by Douglas Hannant was a real bustle, because that poof doesn't entirely make sense floating between the model's butt and knees. Otherwise I love that entire look, messy hair and all. I can imagine the model as some turn-of-the-century party girl, wandering the garden of a debauched robber baron in the moonlight, stoned on laudanum and champagne, right before meeting a fate worse than death. Now, that's a dress!

The gold gown by Naeem Khan shouldn't be worn for real without a full-length lining, but I'm pretty sure that someone will wear it completely unlined. The Stephen Burrows dress is fresh and happy, but I'm equally sure the very convetional fashion police would hate it. The super-sculptural violet Marchesa probably isn't meant to be worn at all, or at least not worn by a mortal woman who sits down, eats, drinks, or wishes to go to the lady's room without the assistance of two maids. It's a fabulous piece of work, though, isn't it?

Run! Oh, no, you can't . . .

2009-10-07T12:52:00.000-07:00

Shoes from Alexander McQueen's Spring 2010 collection. Way to harsh my pretty buzz, Alex.